Subway and Starbucks open branches on Death Row

Written by IainB

Monday, 30 April 2012

image for Subway and Starbucks open branches on Death Row
A frothy mocha latte before they kill me. Perfect

Two of the world's largest brands have opened branches inside Death Row at New York State Penitentiary to serve last meals and drinks to the inmates before they go for the needle.

"It's a bold move," said Subway chairman, Simon Simple. "We believe that it is the future for Death Rows everywhere. We're certainly looking into expanding into other Death Rows."

The model is proving highly successful, with both Subway and Starbucks reporting a massive uptake in their wares from the Death Row inmates, and not just for their last meal.

"They're a captive audience," said Owen Mooney, manager of the NY Penn Starbucks. "Literally. We've actually managed to supplant class-A drugs with class-A coffee. The deathers cannot get enough."

Other companies are looking into the model, with companies like Dunkin Donuts and Tie Rack possibly the next two to move in.

"The way I look at it," said Oliver Beese, manager of acquisitions at Dunkin Donuts, "Death Row is a lot like an airport. It's full of people who cannot go anywhere, desperate for a coffee, a tie or a scrumptious icing covered donut with sprinkles. There are a lot of other similarities between airports and Death Row, now I come to think on it."

Dean Warden, the governer at New York State Penn, believes that the inclusion of popular high street stores has improved morale among the inmates.

"Having been force fed a diet of Starbucks and Subway," he said, "many of them positively skip to the lethal injection chamber."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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