Jam Manufacturer to Enter Strange Flavor Market

Funny story written by P.M. Wortham

Wednesday, 18 January 2012

image for Jam Manufacturer to Enter Strange Flavor Market
"Battered Brains" Flavor featured in Smuckster's photo shoot.

Following the successful business models set forth by Jelly Belly candies and the Ben & Jerry Ice Cream company, Smuckster's also hopes to cash in with its own blends of strange jam and jelly flavors.

Ice cream flavors with names like Moose Tracks and Schweddy Balls, and even jelly beans manufactured with the flavor of Ear Wax seem to be hot sellers. "We simply want in on that segment of the consumer market", says Smucksters new marketing VP, Willy Szelmore.

Several flavors are already in test markets being reviewed by consumer groups, but reviews for the new flavors are mixed. One interviewed consumer commented on the product names, "Now I realize that a thick caramel and vanilla jam with chunks of chocolate might make a good spread on my toast, but don't call it Cow Poop. That just put me off", says Anita Chesterton. "My kids weren't crazy about eating it either".

Other flavors received similar feedback. Though made from fruits and other natural ingredients, those names were not well received. One green jam made from Kiwi fruit was labeled "Phlegm" and a light brown banana jelly mixed with candy corn and shredded green coconut was labeled "Diarrhea".

"It might just be the branding here, because I think Diarrhea actually tastes pretty good", says Szelmore. "Perhaps Golden Banana Surprise?"

Insiders at Smucksters say that Szelmore was also investigating a bigger deviation from traditional jam and jelly flavors by experimenting with actual Jellyfish. "It is an acquired taste", says Szelmore, "Eclectic, different, and even better with the second batch when we chose to remove the tentacles. My PB&J didn't sting nearly as much then."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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