Facebook set up a Blackmail Department

Funny story written by IainB

Thursday, 13 October 2011


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image for Facebook set up a Blackmail Department
A released picture of Bill Gates at a party in 1982

Immensely popular social networking site, Facebook, are to set up a new department for dealing with blackmail.

"For the past few years," said CEO Mark Zuckerberg, "Everybody and his dog - and sometimes their cat too - have been uploading pictures of themselves to our servers."

According to Zuckerberg, most people do not realise that the small print on the site concedes the rights of every photograph to Facebook.

"We own all these people's most treasured memories," said Zuckerberg. "Better yet, we have access to all those photos that have no sharing on them, because they're rude or would get the tagged person arrested."

The new department at Facebook will have two core aims.

"Firstly," said Zuckerberg, "people who have their entire life on there and are aged over forty probably don't have backups of the pictures. This is especially true for mobile uploads. We will ask for a dollar a picture to make sure they don't accidentally get deleted."

With an estimated four billion pictures covered by this, Zuckerberg would catapult himself among the world's richest men.

"Secondly, my staff have been trawling through all the salacious pictures," said Zuckerberg. "Some of these are very juicy. It would be a tragedy if any of these photographs were to get into the public domain."

Inside sources believe that there are several million such pictures.

"Pricing on these juicy pictures will be on a case-by-case basis," said Zuckerberg. "Some of them must be worth millions easily."

So far there has been no opposition to this move, with all the organisations who would normally cry foul suspiciously quiet. This has been put down to the fact that the Blackmail department has been up and running for several months already.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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