Illegal Aliens to be Deported via Keystone Pipeline
(Washington D.C.) Republican lawmakers today passed the first of a series of bills authorizing the use of the Keystone Pipeline as a "humane and cost-effective method for transporting illegal [Mexican] aliens back to their homeland." The legislat...
Read full storyEngland ban smoking in cars (Well suck my exhaust!)
CIA HQ reporting from a dilapidated council flat in downtown Moss Side, Manchester - Newsflash: Smoking in cars to be banned in England! CIA health reporter, Ciggy Tarlung-Woodbine, has sent this report from the back of a Ford Cortina with a smokey past parked up in Moss Side, a no-go-smoke-free-zone The ministry of health has decided to ban smoking in cars in England from October 2015, they...
Read full storyColbert Has Quit, Now Jon Stewart Is Going- Soon We Shall Be Totally Abandoned.
The Apocalypse is close at hand. The signs of the times are showing themselves. I am sure that there is a verse in Revelations that says "...and verily all the good comedians will leave the scene and only darkness shall thereafter be manifest...". Jon Stewart, primary televised purveyor of jokes and satirist extraordinaire for the entire western hemisphere has announced that he will be leaving...
Read full storyPope offers new guidelines for flock's bedroom behavior
Once again, Pope Francis is trying to manage the intimate details of the lives of his flock. Previously, in a mixed metaphor, the pontiff raised eyebrows by suggesting that the faithful, who are made in God's image, are "not rabbits" and should no...
Read full storyNouveau Gym Offering Manual Labor Classes
The newest exercise craze combines "Throw-back Thursday", green living, altruism, weight loss, and fitness into the hottest new trend in the US. Instead of lifting weights and taking last year's aerobic class, gym members are assigned manual labor in...
Read full storyHooters to put a giggle in servers' wiggle
Under pressure from hairy-legged feminists, Hooters, a restaurant whose servers--young, nubile women in short shorts and abbreviated shirts emblazoned with the faces of owls whose eyes are "strategically positioned" to frame the wearers' breasts--is...
Read full storyToxic cloud billows over Catatonia
Spain - A huge orange cloud of toxic crap has erupted from a chemical plant at Igualada in Spain's notoriously brain-dead region of Catatonia. Firefighters described the fumes as a heady cocktail of nitric acid, ferric chloride and the orange foo...
Read full storyElgin Marbles Row - Britain Cheated, Claims Greek Games Minister
The Greek minister for skipping and street games, Mr. Aristos Popadopalus Papadopolus has accused the late Lord Elgin of cheating and using illegally weighted marbles in the 1800 contest in which he won a ship full of priceless "marble" marbles.
Read full storyObama: Gay Marriage Should Be Mandatory
WASHINGTON, DC - Citizens in all 50 states should be forced by the Supreme Court to be gay-married, President Barack Obama has decreed. The directive marks another phase in Obama's progressive shift on gay marriage, which has included declarations...
Read full storyThe Foundering Fathers, on Original Intent
"The right of citizens of the United States to vote shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any State on account of sex." 19th Amendment to the Constitution, ratified, 1920 We hold these truths to be self evident-- That all men are created equally Except for political expediency Where slaves are three-fifths property. These truths we're told are quite self evident: Th...
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