Chevron eyes Scooter Libby prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald 'to fill Chuck Hagel's boots'
San Ramon - "You mean as in, er, 'With Concrete?' maybe?" bemused Big Oil sources quipped tonight as Chevron top brass reviewed the scalps Fitzie's notched up fighting organized crime in the last 30 years. This weekend the awesome former US Attor...
Read full storyCalifornia Explains Its New Tanning Bed Law
SACRAMENTO, California - The state of California, which has more yearly botox implants and liposuction procedures than any state in the nation has just implemented a new law. According to Assistant Attorney General Fairfax Sextontelli, the Califor...
Read full storyKobe Bryant's Laker Teammates Are Fed Up With His Diva Antics
LOS ANGELES - Lakers super star Kobe Bryant says that he has just about reached the end of his rope and he feels that his team is on a roller coaster ride with a lot more downs than ups. He says that back during the summer when the team acquired S...
Read full storyLose weight by pounding sheds
People who need to shed pounds should pound sheds, according to researchers. Dr. Abel Toschivdit, of Fatbusters Clinic, surveyed over 100 would-be slimmers about their weight-loss attempts. When they had failed to reach their targets, most of them...
Read full storyArea Man High on Life, PCP
OGDEN, UT- With a spring in his step and a song in his heart, area man Brandon Davis, 30, is high on life, PCP. "I feel great," said Davis, whose outlook derives from fresh air, warm sunshine, and 5 to 10mg of phencyclidine. "It's like I could tak...
Read full storyDawkins lambasts 'Islamic Barbarians'
Atheist fundamentalist and evolution crackpot Richard Dawkins has taken a brief break from ridiculing Christians, and has turned his bigoted opinions to insulting muslims, terming them "Islamic Barbarians". Following extremists burning down a sacr...
Read full storyAl Gore sells ex-wife to Mormon cult leader, nets reported $997
Former Vice President Al Gore has made himself a richer man by selling his little known ex-wife to Warren Jeffs, an infamous Mormon cult leader. Gore netted $997 with his 20 percent stake in Tipper when she was sold for a reported $4985 on Friday.
Read full storyJustin Bieber Shaves Head After Being Caught Smoking Pot
Pop star Justin Bieber has shaved her head and offered a filmed apology after being filmed smoking pot, in an eerily similar gesture of stupidity as Japanese pop star Minami Minegishi; who shaved of her hair after being caught sneaking out of her boy...
Read full storyPresident Obama's Stolen Teleprompter Has Been Found In Mexico
WASHINGTON, D.C. - The White House is glad to announce that the president's teleprompter that was stolen from the White House's News Media Room has been found. According to Chief Secret Service Agent Laramie Cobalt he received a phone call from an...
Read full storySeafood Alert: Massachusetts Banning Lobster Dinners
BOSTON - The National Food Federation Agency has just issued a warning to seafood restaurant patrons in the state of Massachusetts. NFFA spokesperson Hal "Calories" Calafinster informed the news media that they have received dozens of reports from...
Read full storyRegis Philbin and Larry King To Host A New Daytime Talk Show - The Viagra View
NEW YORK CITY - According to Epitome Television Network spokesperson Tansinella Wickovich, plans are being finalized for a brand new daytime talk show. Ms. Wickovich stated that the show will be a male version of Barbara Walters' The View and will...
Read full storyThe U.S. Demands That Mexico Repay The $13.7 Million Loan
WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Obama has contacted President Nacho Winslow of Mexico and reminded him about a loan that the United States made to Mexico in 2002. President Obama was referring to a $13.7 million loan that was given to Mexico to help...
Read full storyBeavis, Butthead Steal Car, Shoot Out Wayne LaPierre's Windshield
Beavis and Butthead were taken into custody today after they allegedly stole a car, purchased an unregistered weapon at a gun show, then used it to shoot out the windshield of Wayne LaPierre's car, according to a police report. The actors are best...
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