The government has announced a crackdown on suggestively-shaped vegetables following numerous complains from the public. In one incident, Olive Lilley from North Kensington had an unfortunate encounter with a phallic potato. Lilley, 82, had just o...
Mark Cooper, a 21-year-old university student from Oldham, Greater Manchester, has died after misinterpreting a text from his mother. Mark was out jogging when his mum, Susan, sent him the following message: The neighbour's pet, Ed, wants to have...
Top sprinter Usain Bolt is set to swap his running shoes for horseshoes as he prepares for his latest challenge - competing in the 2014 Kentucky Derby. The 26-year-old Jamaican athlete has undergone a brain-swap operation with a young thoroughbred...
A carpet fitter from North Kensington, London, has been hailed a hero after having sex with his neighbour's parrot, Charlie, to calm it down during a fit of rage. Adam Wells, 32, dashed to the rescue of eighty-two-year-old Olive Lilley after Charlie,...
Nevada farmworker Gus Rismore has paid the ultimate tribute to his parents on the occasion of their 50th wedding anniversary - by eating them live on the internet. The 460 pound fat bastard, who owns the world motorcycle-eating record, invited tho...
The Queen was said to be 'most excited' today as she welcomed some guests to her Buckingham Palace home. But these guests were not dukes and earls - they were the wrestling stars of WWE. In an attempt to boost the royal coffers to finance her Diam...
Newspaper bosses were left shocked today when absolutely no news occurred anywhere in the world. It is believed to be the least newsworthy day since the 12th of April 2811 BC, which saw just a single news report - a Stonehenge builder accidentally dr...
A new London-based company, InnerTech, is giving people a whole new view of themselves with GutCam. GutCam is a tiny camera inside a transparent pod the size of a baked bean, which the customer swallows. The camera then films the pod's voyage over...
The age-old problem of pigeons using statues as toilets is set to become a thing of the past after scientists this week introduced a new anti-pigeon device, the Spiker. The Spiker is a tiny needle that hides inside the head of the statue - when an...
The new giant Celeb Super Cannon, which blasts annoying celebrities into space, has been hailed a big hit after successfully ridding the world of the UK's current Big Brother contestants. The group of 15 men and women join dozens of other reality sho...
A large crowd packed into Trent Bridge today to witness the world's first invisible cricket match. The game features no players, no equipment, and no umpires - simply an empty field upon which the audience imagines the action. Invisible cricket h...
The Hubble Space Telescope will soon be searching for heavenly bodies of a different kind as it begins its new mission: filming live X-rated images that will be broadcast on a new adult TV station. The giant telescope will be repositioned to face...
Actor and former Governor of California Arnold Schwarzenegger has been speaking today about his shock at finding that he has turned into an elephant. The 64-year-old former body builder told journalists that he discovered his transformation after wak...
Former president Bill Clinton has provoked outrage after the White House received a massive telephone bill. Officials discovered that a telephone in a now unused part of the building had failed to be placed down properly and has been connected to a p...
Retired footballer Paul Gascoigne, nicknamed Gazza, has embarked on a new career as a rent-a-friend. Gascoigne details his services in a recently placed newspaper advertisement in which he manages to spell twelve words incorrectly - including his...
The tyrannosaurus rex and the stegosaurus will once again walk the plains of planet Earth when a new theme park, Dinosaur World, opens its doors next month in Tibet. The creatures will actually be immense dinosaur costumes that will employ the sam...
Mongolian Chuluun Borjigin will later today make the world's first attempt to fly a hot air balloon to the moon. The 78-year-old shepherd is Mongolia's only astronaut, having gained an interest in the subject of space after reading a book about M...
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