Selected by the lesser endowed Senior Citizen in Nottingham, who suffers from adoxography, cardiac failure, arthritis, and impecuniousness. Turning Your Clocks Back How about the task for 60 year old Pauline West, and her 67 year old husband has a collection of 40,074 clocks in the house! The couple spend up to an hour every evening tending to the wind-up clocks. They buy batteries in bulk...
Magic FM Dj Neil "Foxy" Fox has been forced to resign from his job as Defence Secretary today amid allegations about his inappropriate relationship with friend and advisor Verity Adam. Prime Minister David Cameroon acted quickly to appoint a replacem...
Westminster, LONDON: For years, Oliver Letwin, the Conservative MP has been hiding a secret. Many have known about it, but have not been able to disclose the details. Some have tried, but these details have been binned in public parks all over Lon...
When Cable theft was reported this morning, the Labour and Conservatives in the House burst into enthusiastic cackling, whooping, clapping, yahooing, celebrating, gloating, cheering, and dancing in the aisles. "Naturally the Right Honourable Dr Vi...
In a statement outside 10 Downing Street, Magic FM DJ and coalition Defence secretary Doctor Neil "Foxy" Fox said: "I want to apologise. I should not have allowed personal loyalty to a friend interfere with my duties as a Minister. I have spoken a...
Heavy drinking MPs are often so sozzled they can barely stand up in the Commons, a Tory MP claimed last night. In an interview in one of the House of Commons 14 bars, a Tory MP who cannot be named for security reasons said; "Many stagger into the...
The ConDem alliance's plans to change the constituency boundaries in the UK have been revealed to have a secret agenda. "I've seen an early draft of the proposed new boundaries," said political observer, Anna Listz. "And I was shocked at what I sa...
The popular science fiction series 'Torchwood' is to have Members of Parliament starring in some lead role in the next series. The series editor explained: "With the politicians who were caught, and those who were not, fiddling expenses, only allowing themselves a 30% increase in expense allowances in an effort to rid themselves of the habit, we thought it a good idea to offer the little mites...
This months winner of the Littlend Gazette Political Ode competition, was the only entry received. Sent in by Ms Barb Dwyer, of Hampton Virginia. POLITICIANS Most of them display a great persistency in loquacity, The fiddle their expenses, as if it was a necessity, They regularly lie with open uncaring audacity, Their hatred for the proletariat shows great capacity, Together the...
As sent in to us by Iam Skint, of Upper Denture Cemetery. The odd MP will be a Europhile, The odd MP will be antimissile, The odd MP will be a bibliophile, The odd MP will be like a crocodile, The odd MP will be a homophile, The odd MP will be erstwhile, The odd MP will be infantile, The odd MP will be infertile The odd MP will be very hostile, The odd MP will be a paedophile, The od...
We present to you, anagrams of some of the crooks... I mean MP's of this wonderfully riot torn, nepotistic, and crumbling Nation. You will find some members of the Conservative Party (Anag: Vast carnivore type), New Labour Party (Anag: An we bar poultry), and the Liberal-Democrat Party (Anag: Cry bedlam Proletariat) David Cameron: Prime Minister (Tory-Coalition) 'Odd, I crave man' Nicola...
A worrying fact has come to the attention of the Gazettes editorial team. Results analysed in a recent street poll, conducted by Alcoholics Anonymous, has revealed the following figures. To the question: "Who do you think should be leader of the Labour Party for the next general election?" 60% did not know the name of the current Labour leader. To the question: "What would you like for...
The UK Coalition Government, realising they are losing popularity, and worried that this will affect their MPs prime directive - "To make as much money as possible", have come up with the idea of producing some famous film remakes, to star various members of the cabinet and opposition. Here we offer some suggestions, with the recommended member to star in the film: 'Carry on Regardless', 'Do...
We spoke with the author of this list, Inchcock Chambers, who only had time to tell us that he'd 'Tried to use only old/rare words for the letter definitions, and keep them applicable to MPs - he had to go home them, because they lock the cemetery gates early on a Thursday. M Mancation: (Maiming, Mutilating of hopes) E Exsibilation: (Collective hisses of disaproval M Modernicide: Killer of mo...
Thanks to Mr H Ogwash, for giving his permission for us use his article 'What you need to become an MP!', originally published in the 'Upper Denture Gazette' last May. Created and written while under the influence of anaesthetics and medications, in a haze of half conciousness and nurses adjusting his dressings, it was his first effort after having Cardiac surgery. He was to have had brain surg...
Michael Davies the MP for Hull has revealed himself to be a lizard who has come from the future to stop the moment when an insane, heroin-fuelled, Richard Branson produces 50,000 angry robots to overthrow the earth. His secret was revealed when he...
The Inchcock Institute of Lesser Educated Nitwits, today disclosed their winning political ode for their May 2011 competition. It was created, we believe perhaps in France, cause the writer claimed he wrote it: 'While having a funny turn in the Louvre?! I find the way politicians morals have sank to be tragical, Solutions to this dilemma are not forthcoming, workable or logical, They exist...
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