OCALA, Florida (ABSNN) - The National Chapter of Zombies USA, or ZUSA, overwhelmingly endorsed Mitt Romney for President today. According to ZUSA officials "our membership voted 6710 to 47 in favor endorsing Mitt Romney over Barack Obama in the upco...
COLUMBIA, South Carolina (ABSNN) - In a televised statement, the former governor of this state, and an also-ran, Republican Presidential candidate, and evangelical preacher, Mike Huckabee, told voters today that if they voted for Obama they would go...
STUBENVILLE, Ohio (ABSNN) - Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney responded to the devastation left in the wake of Hurricane Sandy by passing out emergency relief supplies in this mid-sized Ohio city today. Romney praised 47% of the American...
Mitt Romney flew to the New Jersey shore today with a camera crew and handed out Happy Meals to a crowd of seven hundred hungry and homeless New Jersey residents. According to the traveling press corps Romney realized his largess was more than a...
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Representatives for both President Barack Obama and former Governor Mitt Romney have met and have agreed to postpone the presidential election from November 6, to December 4. Both Obama and Romney agreed to the change which was...
KETTERING, OH; Oct. 30, 2012 -- While former governor Mitt Romney and President Barack Obama have agreed to suspend campaigning activities in the wake of Hurricane Sandy, Romney is accusing Obama of not honoring the agreement, claiming that Obama's b...
VENICE BEACH - In a move that took the Mitt Romney political campaign team by surprise, the national chapter of The Hell's Angels Motorcycle Gang has stated that they will all be voting for President Obama. Hells Angels spokesperson Rufus "Spokes"...
This September a woman asked me, "Yom Kippur, that's the holiday you buy the tickets for?" I found this somewhat disturbing since it was my Aunt Sadie. 95, I chalked it up old age. Ageist humor aside, I'll not reveal the identity of the woman who actually asked it because she is a shiksa in good standing with me. But it got me to thinking. It got me to thinking why it bothered me because I wasn...
Presidential candidate Mitt Romney held a rare news conference this morning to answer questions about the conduct and statements of his surrogates regarding President Obama and the issue of rape. He took the podium and smiled his trademark smile, the...
Maripiosa, CA, Dougie's Gazette - I'm finally a decided voter: Giants in 4 (or if necessary five at home, but if Sandy heads for "and reaches the West Coast,"six at the most). In a related story, Governor Romney just told Michigan and swing s...
GREEN BAY, Wisconsin - Singer Meat Loaf was sitting in his backstage dressing room after having just finished performing in The Box of Snowballs Auditorium before a crowd estimated to be around 219 people. The rotund singer had just taken his thir...
The Romney presidential campaign has released a statement affirming that Vice Presidential candidate Paul Ryan has just finished shooting a full spread with Playchick Magazine. Robert Benson, an official Romney spokesman, had this to say at a press conference called to explain the campaign's latest move: "Congressman Ryan has posed for Playchick to prove, in plain sight, how dedicated he and...
WHIPPLE, Ohio - Mitt Romney's Mormon Merriment Presidential Campaign Bus Tour pulled into the town where beer coasters were invented. A crowd of 29 individuals had gathered in the morning dew to hear Old Mittens speak in the parking lot of a local...
Washington DC - According to Miss Adelle Bowersocks 1232C Upswine Gardens, Romney is not really drinking diet soda, as he appears to be. Miss Adelle was cleaning up after a $200,000.00 a plate dinner when she tasted what appeared to be left over die...
PAWTUCKET, Rhode Island - Mitt Romney was in Pawtucket at a meeting of The Smallest State in The Union Chapter of Undecided Voters. He was greeted by two blue-haired elderly women, one dishwater blonde elderly woman, and a woman who was clearly we...
Did you know that in World War I, the United States was the only country that did not distribute condoms to its soldiers? As a result, rates of sexually transmitted diseases were higher among American troops, as was the incidence of them being fathers of (often unwanted) babies. Our allies thought we were silly and prudish, calling such policies "Comstockery." The term was later used to more gener...
There was great tension at the Republican Campaign Headquarters that morning as the worker bees entered their office in D.C. As with every campaign, unexpected situations come up. "'He Who Shall Not Be Named'" wants to endorse Romney." stated Mitch Couler to the group, his face drawn and pained from the trials of running a difficult campaign that was getting down to the wire. "Oh my God, n...
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