Allentown, PA - A family of ten in central Allentown is deceased due to a waffle iron left plugged in. According to Constable Finass of Allentown, the Schinerkraut family all died due to a deadly combination of deadly neural-toxins. Mrs. Schiner...
Tokyo - Chief Cabinet Secretary Yuk E. Dano told told reporters at a press conference this afternoon that radioactive materials released from Japanese reactors are not harmful to human health. "It's like our rice. Our rice does not make you fat. Just look at our people. Like our rice, our radioactive materials are good for you. They make you healthy. People pay a lot of money to get radiat...
Tokyo - Speech expert Dr. Hotseetanuka is alarmed today at the sudden onset of stuttering that is afflicting "Nuclear Experts". Many such "experts" are being consulted today with regards to the nuclear catastrophe here. Surprisingly, they are sud...
Local man Martin Shuttlecock remained in hiding today following the horrific discovery he made Sunday at the Shuttlecock family residence - a discovery which caused him to flee the house screaming, wearing nothing but the clothes he stood up in, and...
WASHINGTON DC - According to sources at FDA, you can't blame this one on the FDA: Researchers have found signs of aspartame disease -- normally thought of as a modern disease caused by toxic artificial sweeteners protected by the FDA-- in 3,700-year-...
WASHINGTON DC - Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke announced to a small disparate pool of reporters today that due to the weak U.S. economy and labor market a new ten prong approach to placing money in the hands of Joe the Six-pack will be impleme...
Patrons of a popular restaurant in Phoenix Arizona have been have been hospitalized from seizures they all had at the same busy eatery. The hospital released an official statement, stating they are unable to make an official statement at this time...
LONDON, England - My source, Dr. Scoober Methaone, a noted expert in the new field of aspartame abuse, has analyzed the mad writings of TheSpoof.com and found the rantings, whinings, and bafoonary to be due in large measure to the over use of asparta...
WASHINGTON DC - Spokesman Dr. Strangedeath for the FDA held a short news conference today wherein he encouraged parents to give children 'Holloweenies' such as eyeball eggs stuffed with aspartame. Holloweeny could be used to rid the Earth of exces...
ENGLEWOOD, Colorado - According to my source, Betsy Rossatini, Principal of Englewood High School for Autistic Spasmodics, Michael J. Fox begins a nation-wide tour of high schools where he will dramatically reveal the source of his shaking and quakin...
LONDON, England - UPDATE! Frankie The J is now holding the 'can' for Buckwheatsbutt. Buckwheat's butt was seen unclothed and battered, penniless and destitute begging for farthings and a lump of coal to suck on. According to my source, Buckwhea...
WASHINGTON DC - In a special study at Methesdum Medical Hospital, flesh from Michael Jackson's buttocks were analyzed and found to contain lethal levels of formaldehyde. This is a known break-down product of aspartame, an ingredient in all of Michae...
Scientists are being paid to prove that the artificial sweetener aspartame does not cause health problems in people, even though it may kill them. The LD50 of aspartame is a carefully kept secret in the military industrial complex, so regular "stu...
Guantanamo Bay, Cuba - News has leaked out through the communist grapevine, via Pedro Sanchodiaze here, that the Guantanomo Bay detainees have been released among the general population of Cuba, but sporting new additions to their heads. These, ac...
NEW YORK - The UN security council announced today that it was ending world hunger. Around the world, thousands of aspartame feeding stations will be set up where hungry people will be given bowls full of pure aspartame to eat. Experiments have s...
Pony Express Service - In the past week, U.S. marshals have announced charges in twenty terrorism probes in twenty states. It is a bunch of cases. Its more than we have seen since 9-11. However analyst Jim Jones, of the CIA, says not to try to fit...
Reykjavík - News on the warf from the fishing captain of the Smelly Gut fishing vessel here, Captain Vjernikisivk is that his whalemeat is soon to be the coin of the realm. With the demise of the Icelandic monetary system, and the closing of all...
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