The Turner Prize by Rob Barratt No Turners at the Turner Just Tracey bloody Emin No masterful masterpieces Just masturbating women No salty simmering seascapes No homebound fishing trawler Just the naked fore and aft Of an amateurish scrawler No mystical mist across the Thames No spiralling seabirds Just languid linear bodies Described by misspelt words For me she puts artisti...
The U.S. Senators gathered for today's floor debate unexpectedly and unintentionally broke out into verse in the middle of their proceedings. The following is the official Congressional transcript of what occurred. CONGRESSIONAL RECORD PROCEEDINGS AND DEBATES OF THE 112TH CONGRESS, SECOND SESSION WASHINGTON, THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 6 2012 SENATE MORNING BUSINESS The Senate met at 10...
Another selection from the fruitful harvest of Lear's Dorking years A deluded young vicar of Dorking Put a hen on his arm to go hawking. Though he hawked day and night, The prey simply took fright At the hen's dreadful flapping and squawking. A Mole Valley farmer one day Resolved he would live upon hay, So he sat on a cow And repeated his vow, Saying 'here with the catt...
My furniture is all distressed It's unusually unstable The oak bookcase is quite depressed As is the coffee table The worktop has a thin veneer It seethes beneath the surface The taps know how low they can sink And think life has no purpose The painted window frame's been stripped... Of dignity. It's lacquered The blue front door's morale has dipped The cheese board is cream-cracker...
Great Yarmouth poet Ann Thology has just published yet another collection of verbose poetry. Entitled "More Gushing", all the poems involve the central theme of overflowing phrases. Ann Thology's poetry is fully enriched with emotional outpouring...
An Ode About a Certain Malevolent Condition that has Acquired a Pathogenicity that Threatens Mankind Across the Globe as It affects the Bowels of Those Who are Afflicted with its Curse Presented in Its Entirety by the Poet Laureate on the Mundane, the Preposterous, and the Absurd: Sir Hondo Thwaite, Esq. to His Most Excellent, Gracious Majesty, Dionysius XII, as He Recovers from a Facial Bligh...
"Who is the best Minister in my government?" said Cameron, "who's also a multi-millionaire?......" "Me me!" shouted Willy Hague, waving his brassiere in the air, "And I'm also bendable, and a billionaire!" Nick Clegg raised his hand, "Me, and even as your lackey I'm still debonair!" "But in case I'm not right, I'll set up a questionnaire!" George Osborne lied again, saying he was cleve...
Seve Balleisteros: You've played your last eighteen. Strolled your last green. If there is a golf course in heaven. Will you use the number seven. By Arnold Mitercrump. Florida Osama Bin Laden: You ugly bearded bastard. Copt it from the Yanks. Did you hear the missile. Before it hit you on the head. By Col. Percy Pummel. Saffron Waldon Dom DeLuise: You mad...
Pete Postlethwaite: You were a highly studied actor. your films were very good. I wish you had won an oscar. Your photo is on my Nans shelf. By Oswald Gentry. Glasgow Patriarch Alexy 11: You gave some nice sermons. People listened when you spoke. Now that you are in heaven. Do you still have the long coat? By Yuri Barbetov. Moscow Joan Of Arc: As a young girl. Yo...
Jimmy Saville: You have smoked your last cigar Jimmy. It's time to leave the disco floor. The marathon ends in heaven. You won't have to knock on the door. By Mrs Futtle Ferang. Hampshire Betty Driver: You have cooked your last hotpot Betty. It is time to leave the pub. No more pints to pull. Jesus is waiting for you. He has kept you your own bar stool. By Mr Fred Futtle.
This ode about MPs might just make you affright, In fiddling, lying, and nepotism they delight, MPs consume Caviar and not toast and Marmite, Their cons and excuses for fiddling are so erudite, They vary in loyalties and actions, from Thatcherite, Communist, Tree-huggers, Luddite's, and the odd Jacobite, Even the odd honest one, playwright or transvestite, They steal and fiddl...
Language is in a constant state of flux What was common 500 years ago will now get you some funny looks This has been the subject of a great many books Discussing how they made a verb out of a word like ducks But for these tomes, they'll charge you fifty bucks And this piece is free, but not as comprehensive We can use words to shine light into tiny nooks And scare away some metaphorical...
This is self-explanatory! My Futile Search I'm told there is talent in our political system But I've looked pretty hard and it seems that I've missed 'em I took myself off through the corridors of power It made me depressed and got worse by the hour 'Cos all of the members to whom I was presented Acted like kids or were clearly demented The place was just full of these crushing old bor...
The Eternal Nature Of Surprise: A Poem Of Love, Lust And Shock By Desmond Bachaus You stopped. Deeply, longingly, you looked in to my soul. Like the stars in the cool blanket of night, I watched the water sparkle and dance in your eyes. You said I was the one. You told me that you had never felt this way before. I too, had never felt like this. You took my hand. Clasping my fingers in...
A Limericke about the Incompatibility of Medical Intelligence with Nurses Adorned with Blonde Locks on the Occasion of a Major Scandal that Erupted in The Royal Hospital of Maladies Odd-And-Unusual: Presented in Its Entirety by the Poet Laureate on the Mundane, the Preposterous, and the Absurd: Sir Percival Blink, Esq. to His Most Excellent, Gracious Majesty, Pasquale II, as He Recovers fro...
Amid reports that American spy networks have intercepted communications from Al Qaeda operative Lindsay Lohan indicating plans for a terrorist strike in New York or maybe Hoboken, both cities have heightened their security and even pulled out the fam...
Uproar has followed the announcement that the ashes of the poet T.S. Eliot are to be scattered on a housing development in the village of East Coker. The ashes of the author of The Waste Land are interred in the local church in the somerset villa...
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