Fashion guru Gok Wan swept through Liverpool's Aintree racecourse today on the first day of his Grand National Clean Up campaign. Britain's favourite mincing wierdo wowed the racegoers on Ladies Day, which was just the first day in what is sure t...
A vicar who believes shoes and socks are "the tools of the Devil" has been turned away from a pub in Todmorden, West Yorkshire, for being barefooted. Martin Chuzzlewit, 56, landlord of the Splintered Potsherd on Boundary Street, asked the Reverend...
Another young British man has fled the country to join the ranks of the US Chat Show Brotherhood, the extreme group notorious for its ruthless pursuit of TV ratings and relentless drive to destroy Western culture and control the minds of Western subj...
Dear Sir, I write in the hope that you might sympathise with my plight. For none of mine aquaintance could be expected to proffer aught but brickbats, opprobrium or the cold shoulder. You see, I have somehow acquired the reputation for being a bringer of ill-fortune. "Get away!" they cry. "Why haunteth thou me thus?" If I was a young man, I would have run away to sea long ago. Your...
Sir, in view of the fact that Margaret Thatcher is to get a memorial inspired by the American memorial to Ronald Reagan, should she not be called the "Gridiron Lady"? Arthur Braincell BSc (failed) Lunt Sir, Her Highness Lady Baroness Thatcher was the ultimate role model for all civilised white women. She truly showed that with the application of hard work, brains, sado-masochism, vo...
Well. Here we are. Here we, ooh, no. Ooh. Ah. Ooh, I don't know where to put meself. Don't know which way to turn tonight. Yes, Missus, you've been there, haven't you? Hmm? You've felt my predicament. Look, now don't start. Shut your mouth. Oh, the riff raff we get in here. But ooh. Ah. No. Don't. Hasn't it been a hard winter? It's been a hard winter. And it's not over yet, I can tell you. Ooh,...
Dear Sir Lancelot, when the red red robin did you last buy a decent living kettle of fish? I think they have forgotten how to make a popocatepetl proper cat and fiddle kettle these days of wine and roses grow on you. I blame the Chinese whispers, everything seems to be made in China now then now then. I bought it skipper a kettle drum down in the drink Batley High Street fighting man last we...
Good morning sir, how can I help you? I'm interested in the poetry of Thomas Hardy. The poetry of who, sir? Thomas Hardy. Poetry, sir? The poetry of Thomas Hardy, yes. But this is a stationery store, sir. So I observe. What of it? We dont have any poetry books here, sir. I should think not. No room for that sort of thing here. Not with your groaning shelves so full of al...
Why not visit to Iceland in this periods, it is a jolly good time to have doing so, writes Ralf 'Eric' Projbroffir of the Icelandic Tourism Board of Tourism. You may will be having a surprised view of your urgings self to have upstarted it! Faqhur Faquharssen did do, whom having invaded at 896 of in Vjorrskragghvammaey an Iceland island, was so happy to stay where he had good turfing groun...
The Conundrum Club, London, 1895 Colonel Gulper (CG): This Carpetbag Steak's damned chewy, what? Reverend Milke (RM): With respect, Colonel, that is a carpetbag you've got on your plate. CG: What? Of course it's a carpetbag, you fool. I just said it was a carpetbag, a deuced chewy one, or are you going deaf in your old age, Reverend, what? RM: No, Colonel, that is a bag, a carpet bag.
If there's one thing I can't stand it's the Olympics. Another thing I can't stand is all this talk about the weather. You know, 'Oh how terrible the weather is, you wouldn't think it was June', that kind of talk. The other week I was in a shop buying some picture hooks when I heard the woman behind the counter saying 'isn't the weather dreadful? You wouldn't know it was June'. Apart from the fact...
The world of Brit music was reeling this morning after what happened last night when top pop paparazzi gathered to snap petite starlet Pixie Lott as she emerged from London's Smithfield Meat Market on the arm of her beau, trainee cheesemaker Oliver W...
Another imaginary man has expressed concerns about the imaginary kingdom in which he has been domiciled, writes Fantasy World correspondent, Alexander Selkirk. It will be remembered that I have reported on these kinds of matters before. I spoke to this latest imaginary man yesterday, in an exclusive imaginary interview for our imaginary audience. It was surprisingly easy to gain entry to the im...
Dear Sir, I ham fighting through you on beehive of a much misunderstood grope off scufflers, mainly, hose hoot stupor from the friction whereby hay displace random herds with other swords witch either luck or wound a skittle bit scimitar. As ewe mustard seed, I amble cone of these importunates myself. Theseus hiss a moused perspexing disorder, being very scuttle hand mafeking the shuffler se...
Phone rings. Receptionist (R): Hello. Customer(C): Hello, I want to see the doctor. R: No, sorry, you must have the wrong number. C: Sorry, I'll hang up. Phone rings again. R: Hello. C: Hello. Can I see the doctor? R: How can I help you? C: You said it was the wrong number just now. R: Ah. That's our new rigorous customer interface. It sorts out the serious from the t...
The England football team's chances of winning the Euro 2012 tournament have been rated as 0.000756% by a leading Dorking Professor, writes Sport, Fishing, Linoleum, Commercial Grass Cultivation, Wheelbarrow Design, Spats, Mathematics & Entertain...
The University of Dorking has been rocked by a controversy that threatens to have major repercussions for one of its prestige Departments, writes Storm In A Teacup Correspondent, Will Slather. This controversy, which threatens major repercussions,...
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