A turnout of more than 30 members was reported at the Dorking 'Taking Things Apart' Club AGM, held in the function room of the White Lion last Thursday. Following the traditional raising of glasses to late founding member Paddy O'Ginster, Club President, Reg Dishcloth, opened the proceedings by expressing delight at seeing so many old faces together with many members of the recently formed 'Jun...
The Ministry of Agriculture, Fisheries and Food has announced that Tobogganists are once more to be allowed to freely roam the countryside, following one of the longest recorded periods of incarceration of a minority group. It has been over 30 yea...
The government announced yesterday that it is to completely ban fox hunting for a six month period from next month in order to preserve the species. Many people are currently under the illusion that the hunting of foxes is already outlawed within...
Following the furore over a widely known un-named, married premiership footballer, who paid £50,000 to a lawyer in order that his name could not be revealed to 3% of the worlds population, following an alleged dalliance with a highly respectable, shy...
Ever since Russia became concerned over Britain's ability to pay for its natural gas supplies, and installed a large coin operated gas meter at the main gas pipeline landfall at Great Yarmouth, there has been concern over whether the UK's utility com...
It has been reported that top city banker John Farrington, CEO of Barkwest Bank was brutally robbed of his wallet last month. Mr Farrington was leaving the main entrance of the bank's city headquarters in order to go to lunch, when he was accosted...
This year's district games were once again held at the Sir Oswald Mosely Memorial Playing Fields, and the fine weather helped to attract a record number of visitors. Alongside the staging of all of the traditional local sports, there was also more trade stalls and side-shows than ever before, including those of Mick's Spliffs, The Department of Health and Social Security, Legal Aid Solicitors,...
Plastic celebrity news can report that the lovely Colleen Rooney, wife of the Manchester Rover's star footballer, found herself in a compromising situation with the local milk delivery operative - 59 year old Eric Wetlegs last Friday. "It was all very embarrassing" said Colleen. It had been a terrible week for us all round. To start off with, Manchester Town had lost 2-nil to Saracens and so Dw...
Oh look! a budgie. Isn't it lovely? I had one just like it, a ginger tom it was, but it got run over. Well they did in those days didn't they - not like now. I don't know what the world is coming to, what with all this sex and violence you see nowadays. My Charlie was never like that - except when he used to tie me to the mangle and hit me with the coal shovel. I blame those mobile phones mysel...
Following the dramatic recent events in Japan that have resulted in thousands of people being killed or made homeless, Britain's foreign secretary William Hague announced in the Commons today that the UK would be leading the world in the field of dis...
The Postal service has announced that the shape of its postage stamps is to change shape for the first time in over a hundred years on the first of April this year. The change in the design is to enable blind customers to be able to attach their...
The current tension in North Africa has prompted the Libyan leader Colonel Gadaffi to offer would-be rioters holidays funded by the state. Anti-government demonstrations in 2 of Libya's immediate neighbours - Tunisia to the west, where the preside...
In a week when it was feared that The Local News would have to close its doors for the last time, the situation was dramatically saved when local man Kevin Smally casually mentioned in passing that he had spotted the 12.32 from Rochester yesterday and that it was 3 minutes late! "I had been looking out of my window at the railway line when I saw the train pass" said the dynamic senior citizen.
New evidence emerged yesterday proving that the writer Oscar Wilde was not gay as was previously thought. A diary belonging to one of Wilde's associates - The Marquis of Tewkesbury, shows an entry for the summer of 1898 when the Marquis and his co...
Falling congregations have forced the Church of England to scrap the controversial membership scheme that was brought in last year. The membership fees which ranged from the £100 per year one star service (To be thought of kindly come judgement da...
The World Health Council has revealed startling information regarding the discovery of a new strain of Tourette's syndrome. Known as Leslie Crowther disease (LCD) after the first positively identified case, it is a disabling condition that is thou...
It can be revealed today that I'm a celebrity get me out of here unterstar Gillian McKeith has accidentally shoved a rabbit up her own arse. A hidden camera caught the spectacle and showed that fat boy Shaun Ryder had caught the rabbit and had gon...
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