Dear Sir, may I, as an occasional reader, speak up for the humble cod? Wherever I go, I find that nary a person has a kind word for the cod. I am frequently made nauseous by the effusions of some of our more simple-minded citizens, upon the subject of their pet animals, viz. lap dogs, cats, various songsters, and suchlike. But how many endearments is the cod vouchsafed? Not one. Well? Have y...
ONIONS Dear Sir, What a swizz this Formula One motor racing lark is. My mate Jud told me to expect loads of thrills and spills, so you can imagine my disappointment when I tuned in to watch the European Grand Prix from Valencia, and all that happened was that some cars went round a track. Over and over again. I was hoping for some pile ups at the traffic lights - they didn't even have any tr...
Dear Sir, many people have been writing into your letters page to say how they have known celebrity people. Well, if it's good for the goose, it's open to abuse. So, throwing back the cutlet, sorry, gauntlet, I can say that I knew Lord Haw-Haw, the infamous English man who worked for German radio propagation during the war. Progaganda not propagation. Propagation was gardening and it would h...
Dear Sir, I have been reading some of your readers' letters that they have written to you, the Editor of this magazine (these are what are called "Letters To The Editor", seeing as how they are written to you; this is of course a mere matter of form, they are not written to you personally, but if we do not have forms then we have chaos, as Schloer wrote in his Treatise Upon The Properties Of Th...
Dear Sir, I'm writing to you in order to express my disgust at the sudden proliferation of so called Letters To The Editor. If you ask me, it's just stupid. I mean, it's not like writing to you is going to make any difference to anything, because you're just a bleeding editor when all's said and done. This whole letters to the editor thing is just pointless. I mean, what are you going to do abo...
Dear Sir, I thought your readers may be interested in some antedotal eveydense that obtrains of a famious pearson. You see, I did life nearbie the fourmar Primed Minster, Sir Edwin Heathe, when he was still livine with his morther, Shirley, at Sellsea. They had a moddest home then. That was befor Edwin, as we callt him, got to Parleymend. They just had the caler gaz and a potible Tellie.
Dear Sir, What on earth is wrong with this country? Has everyone finally taken leave of their senses? I say this because when I returned home from work today, I was greeted by a large crowd of people dressed in overalls, a couple of my so-called 'friends' and some television presenter type chappie who looked to all intents and purposes - given his mannerisms - like he was bowling from the Gaswo...
Dear Editor, I'm not usually one to commit pen to paper. However, in this instance I have made an exception, basically because I found a blank sheet of A4 paper, and as I had a pen to hand, I thought it would be a shame to waste the opportunity. I'm not quite sure what it is I want to say here, or what kind of message I'm trying to convey, but it would just seem like a wasted opportunity if I d...
Dear Sir, now I am reading your magazine quite a lot lately. "Now there's lovely, for you!", I says to my husband, Dyffyddydd Ystnyllbrggyddfyd, "now there's a magazine, now, look you, isn't it then?" "Aye", he says to me, putting down his copy of the Yn y llyvyr hwnn of Sir John Price of Brecon, d'you see, he does, and he says "Oh, Glywdwyddyn Ystnyllbrggyddfyd" - which is my own name and t...
Dear Sir, having read your august journal now these past 30 years, I am writing my first letter. I would not normally put pen to paper but feel moved to speak of the shortage of butlers these days. There was a time - or so my father tells me - when butling was considered a noble calling. But sadly, the advent of the television, with its celebration of selfishness and petty materialism, had p...
Sir, I feel compelled to take issue with all these buffoons who keep appearing on the nation's television sets, telling all and sundry that we Britons are obsessed with lavatorial humour. In my experience, there is nothing remotely humorous about a visit to the lavatory. It is, in fact, quite a serious business. For instance, when going for a lengthy sit down session, certain accoutrements mus...
Dear Sir, everywhere I look of late, in your magazine, I see stories about the cucumber. Why is this? I am writing to register my disapprehension of these mostly sordid tales of the humble cucumber. Remember: cucumbers are not the only fruit, as I think Shakespeare said in one of his sonnets, and Annie Lennox later quoted in her big hit after she left the Heuristics and took up the market ga...
Dire Sear. I have wishings to explort the known phrase, that is of "pecking order". I as you are knowing to, am from the origin, that which is of People's Republic de Chine, or that witch is the "Chinamen" to of old standings, leferences to such Blingo Harlls of etc, Narlwhich, Hrull, Wokington, etc many "Top Rlank" Blingo, fatty comickal jhoke-takure and so Forthe. "Pleas twoe Jingo-Jingo...
Deer Sire, I have fallowed with incest the rebates in your margarine conforming evolotion and weather it is proofed or knot. My fuse on the martyr are quaint queer hand I veal mauved to shear what I considre to be viral norwich. Let me explane with an extraplanetary orchestration, to hallucinate my paint, witch Iey quoite forme a booke buy Herberret Bandicoute, the sciontist: If a man...
The effects of this most confusing condition are truly bewildering. So I am doubly grateful for your time and understanding today. I, for example, have the random dislocation variant of the disorder, but there are many other ways in which sentences may be mixed, transposed or swapped. Donations will be gratefully received and will help us to work towards the rehabilitation of sufferers. This is th...
Dear Sir, may I make a plea on behalf of old barmaids? The popular image of the "busty barmaid", so beloved of the saucy postcard and the innuendo-driven sitcom, is a risible and sexually-charged popular image. It is not an image that lends itself to the pathetic, nor does it give pause. And why should it, when that barmaid in question carries the sheen of youthful brio and sex-appeal? B...
Sir, We have been reading with great interest the recent letters in your magazine from the people with the names. Of course, everyone has a name, excepting that cowboy that Clint Eastwood played, and those who wish to remain incognito - but even these people will often take an alias, such as Smith or Jones. But you get my point. This is interesting to us because we have quite a riot with our...
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