Dear Editor,
I'm not usually one to commit pen to paper. However, in this instance I have made an exception, basically because I found a blank sheet of A4 paper, and as I had a pen to hand, I thought it would be a shame to waste the opportunity. I'm not quite sure what it is I want to say here, or what kind of message I'm trying to convey, but it would just seem like a wasted opportunity if I didn't chip my bit in. I like doing frog impressions, and my favourite pop band is Take That. Taking that aside, I'm relatively normal, other than being sexually attracted to cardboard boxes. I just thought you ought to know that, because you seem like a nice person.
Ian Stead
Blackpool
*****
Sir/Madam
I feel that I must complain in the strongest possible terms about the previous letter from Ian Stead of Blackpool. The bloke is obviously a nut case. Somebody should point out to Mister Stead that being attracted in a sexual fashion to cardboard boxes is not only unnatural, it is potentially dangerous. Paper cuts can be pretty nasty. I know all about it because I used to be a first aider. If you ask me, anybody with a cardboard box fetish wants locking up and flogging with live eels as a deterrent example for anyone considering having sexual congress with cardboard boxes. Who knows where this kind of thing might lead?
Albert Fisticuff
Leeds.
*****
Dear Sir
May I just say that Albert Fisticuff of Leeds, the writer of your previous letter, hasn't got a clue what he's twatting on about. If somebody has a cardboard box fetish, that's their business, and it's not for him to say whether they should be whipped with live eels or not. Whilst I agree that paper cuts can be a seriously traumatic business for a first aider to have to deal with, it isn't right that Mr Fisticuff should take it upon himself to make an issue of it. If you ask me, the man's a cunt.
Princess Diana (Name Changed By deed Poll In 1996)
Nottingham
*****
Madam,
I'd just like your readers to know that I purchased a brand new uPVC back door last week, and that while the bloke was installing it, some thieving Pikey bastard sneaked into my living room, snatched my handbag, and shat upon my Chesterfield settee. I could have got really upset about it, but at least the robbing bastard didn't steal my Raleigh Chopper bicycle, which was chained to the fence at the time. And a nice man from a nearby gypsy encampment cleaned the shit off the furniture for a very reasonable £49.99. Plus VAT. Which I'm sure he'll pay to Her Majesty's Treasury, because he had a clipboard.
Edna Tuatt
Rye, East Sussex.
*****
Dear Sir,
Having found another piece of blank A4 paper, once again I find myself compelled to write to you. Re the letter from Albert Fisticuff of Leeds: I feel that it's only fair to point out that although I am sexually attracted to cardboard boxes, I have never attempted any form of sexual activity with such objects. To do so would, in my opinion exhibit gross irresponsibility on my part, and I am well aware of the paper cut risk, and quite frankly I would be unwilling to subject my family and friends to the public humiliation of a hospital admission with paper cuts in a very private place. As for Mr Fisticuff's assertion that I should be locked up and flogged with live eels, I can only say that such intolerance would not be tolerated here in Blackpool.
Ian Stead
Blackpool.
*****
Dear Sir
In response to Edna Tuatt's recent missive about having her handbag stolen and her Chesterfield settee shat upon by a 'thieving Pikey bastard,' - it was me. And I am not a Pikey. Yes, I am a thieving bastard, I'll hold me hands up to that, but I have an expensive habit to maintain, and you takes what you can when the opportunity arises. As for shitting on her precious Chesterfield, it isn't something I'd normally do, it's just that I really hate Chesterfields and I reckon they deserve all that they get. And you can tell Tuatt, that I'll be round later for the Raleigh Chopper just as soon as I've sorted out a set of bolt cutters off me mate, Dave.
Derek Ridgewell
Rye, East Sussex.
*****
Dear Sir,
I am a staff nurse at Blackpool Royal Infirmary, and I don't really like getting into arguments at the best of times, but seeing the hypocritical drivel written here by Mr Ian Stead, I feel obliged to point out what a lying little bastard this man is. Mr Stead is well known to A&E staff at Blackpool Royal, where he is a frequent visitor, usually suffering from paper cuts to his old chap. Indeed, so frequent a patient is he that the staff have nicknamed him 'Cutcock.' He is a disgusting little man who cannot resist the urge to have sexual congress with cardboard boxes, usually in back alleys in the town. He costs the taxpayer a fortune with his penile predilections, and not only that, he is as bald as a coot and wears a really bad wig. I'm with Mr Fisticuff of Leeds on this - the filthy swine, Stead, ought to be whipped with live eels and locked up forever on a diet of bread and spit. That way, the cardboard box population of the boroughs of Blackpool and Fleetwood will at last get some much needed peace.
Georgina Thong, SRN
Blackpool.
*****
Dear Sir,
I must say that I wholeheartedly agree with the sentiments expressed by Mr John Dawson in the next letter. I honestly sometimes wonder what the world is coming to, when so-called responsible publishers make public stupid letters about bald men in wigs shagging cardboard boxes in Blackpool and burglars stealing Raleigh Choppers and defecating on Chesterfield sofas in Rye, East Sussex. Whatever happened to the good old letters pages of yore which addressed the stupid things that kids say, people taking a pop at politicians, and lunatics calling for the return of the death penalty, and compulsory kickings in police custody suites? That's what I want to know. Life in this country has never been the same since the Teddy Boys died out and Elvis snuffed it on the bog stuffing his face with double cheeseburgers. Personally, I blame it all on the European Union.
Mohammad Moriarty
Dalston.
*****
Dear Sir,
I have become seriously disillusioned whilst perusing your letters pages of late. Is it really worth drawing the attention of the whole world wide internet community to a man who bonks cardboard boxes in Blackpool, and a common thief who evacuates his bowels on furniture because he has an aversion to a particular style of settee? For what it's worth, I think it's all vaguely somewhat ridiculous, and we're all heading down a rocky road. Whatever next? Somebody writing a letter stating that they have nothing worthwhile to say? Personally, my feeling is that things have never been the same since the fall of the iron curtain. My dear old mum, God rest her soul, used to blame the space rockets, but I'm not so sure myself.
John Dawson,
Whitechapel.
*****
Dear Editor,
I am writing this letter to inform you that I have nothing worthwhile to add to your lively debate. I know nothing about sexual fetishes involving cardboard boxes in Blackpool, nor anything about the mindset of opportunistic burglars with a predilection for shitting on sofas, but I am quite an authority on putting shelves up. My house is full of shelves, so if anybody wants to get into an in depth discussion about putting shelves up, they can eMail me at www.theshelfbloke.con and I'll prattle on for hours on end about spirit levels, cordless drills, laser beams and rawl plugs.
Andy Geezer
Beacontree.
*****
Sir,
It's just my personal opinion, but I think that recently your letters pages have gone to pot. I've just wasted three minutes of my life reading all the utter crap which has been posted above. And I'll never get that three minutes back. Which is a pity, because there's a lot you can do in three minutes. Ask my wife if you don't believe me - she knows. Other than that, I have nothing whatsoever to add. Indeed, I might eMail Mr Geezer, of Beacontree, which according to Google maps is in Essex. I too am something of a shelf enthusiast, so I'm sure that Mr Geezer and I will strike up some form of rapport. Unfortunately, I can't ever envisage Mr Geezer and I meeting face to face to discuss our mutual enthusiasm for shelving over a pint or two of beer, as I live in Rothesay on the Isle Of Bute, and he lives in Essex, which is a long way to go to chat about shelves. However, I do wish Mister Geezer all the very best and I shall pray nightly that his enthusiasm for erecting shelves never wanes.
Wee Davey MacBeth
Rothesay, Isle Of Bute.
*****
Dear Editor,
This is just to let you know that I'm not one for writing letters, and even if I was that way inclined, yours would be the last place I'd want to write to. You need to get out more, and refrain from reading the load of old rubbish which you receive on a daily basis. And don't bother criticising me, or passing judgement upon my contribution, because I am very good at putting my fingers in my ears and going "Ner ner nee ner ner!" in a loud voice when people make statements I disagree with. So stick that in your fucking pipe and smoke it.
Bongo Jamstrangler
Dorking.
*****
If you would like to take part in this fascinating exchange of absolute bollocks, send in your submissions to www.crapletters.con and we'll make a point of studiously ignoring them. Or if they're even more idiotic than the usual drivel we receive on a daily basis, we'll have a good laugh at you when we go down the pub and make arrangements to have your house burgled.
The Editor.
