WASHINGTON, DC - The official thanksgiving turkey, a Mr. Thomas Gobbler, was pardoned by President Obama before the Thanksgiving feast, and then the President, in a surprise announcement, asked forgiveness from Mr. Gobbler for having taken away his h...
An animal rights organization has won a decision that might affect the way your turkey looks and tastes next year. "For years we have been arguing with the turkey businesses about what they feed those turkeys. They can barely stand up, the breasts...
A joint program between the Department of Justice and the country's largest turkey producer has been declared a success following the apprehension of over 250 fugitive turkeys. The arrest of the turkeys is the result of tips phoned into the turkey ho...
London, UK - The Astronomer Royal has issued a DeafCon Two alert about the Thanksgiving Comet as it crosses Queen Elizabeth's natal house of horrors in a sun grazing fly-past tomorrow at noon. Comet Ison's imminent cakewalk takes place exactly 333...
New York, NY - For a century, New York's Sidewalk Santas have marched on Fifth Avenue on the morning after Thanksgiving collecting donations from Black Friday shoppers. Now they're calling it quits. "There's just not as much money in it anymor...
"Before Citizens United," mused patriotic, all-American (outsourcing aside) corporation Corp. Inc., "I didn't have a great sense of who I really was. I didn't want to be all business, all the time. Now I don't have to be. I'm a person." A little b...
The holiday of Thanksgiving was found badly beaten in a back alley today. The holiday, which has been waning in power and influence in the last decade, is now virtually homeless and forgotten as it has been minimized by the more commercial, and there...
Thanksgiving, once a proud cornerstone of our traditional American holidays with roots harkening back to our Pilgrim forefathers, is now comatose on the border of rigor mortis. At one time it was considered to be the most family oriented of celebrati...
Recapping Thursday's Football action Texans 34, Lions 31: Lions coach Jim Schwartz is blindsided by an obscure rule that states throwing a challenge flag on Thanksgiving will result in the other team automatically being awarded a touchdown. Redskins 38, Cowboys 31: Tony Romo insists in post-game interview that another Kenny Chesney set at the start of the third quarter would have been enough...
Washington - During a Thanksgiving message to the nation, John Boener (R), Speaker of the House, revealed that he was absolutely and unswerving committed to avoiding the impending fiscal cliff at all cost. The Speaker promised to sit down in t...
WASHINGTON, Nov. 22 -- In a pre-Thanksgiving ceremony at the White House yesterday afternoon, President Obama continued a much-beloved American tradition and forgot to pardon approximately 45,999,998 turkeys. Cobbler and Gobbler, two turkeys who h...
WASHINTON, DC (ABSNN) - President Barack Obama carried on the tradition of pardoning a turkey this Thanksgiving, but the recipient of the clemency, Karl Rove, was not at all impressed. "We received requests to pardon more than 50,000 turkeys this...
The intense focus on post Thanksgiving retail selling initiated by Black Friday has now been one-upped by Walmart's new play of starting specials on Thanksgiving night, thus luring people out of their homes on a major family holiday. It also forces W...
The Celtics now lose by leaps and bounds. If Superman can leap over tall buildings, the Celtics found themselves playing like Clark Kent when he forgot where he put his cape. In a game where rebounds are everywhere, there is not a drop in the buck...
God damn you merry gentlemen! What I've learned in my 61 years is that if you spend too much time in the past, you get trapped there, especially if the past is all you have to get you through the day. I am as much a historian as anything I may be. But the past is the past. And while I admire those who plan well for their futures, I am also smart enough to know that a significant number of th...
Plymouth, Mass - Mal*Wart, JC Farthings, and Maced stores all plan to open right after millions of giant turkey dinners are consumed. Who wants to wait for Black Friday? According to Dr. Drew Upbird, medical consultant to the retail industry, con...
Staff at Graceland today were shocked when the US army revealed that a DNA sample taken from a visitor to an Army Base in Germany matched that of the King. Elvira Muntz from Berlin who works part time as a waitress was hired as part of a staff for...
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