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Funny satire stories about Health and Safety

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Funny story: Visiting Your Local Job Centre Could Kill You!

Visiting Your Local Job Centre Could Kill You!

Job Centre staff and the unemployed job seekers they serve will have to wear face masks and hygienic surgical gloves when inside the Job Centre buildings as from from September 2011. It forms just part of a whole package of new regulations being bro...

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Funny story: Life Sucks: Dim Wit Forced to Pay $15.95 for 15 Watt Politically Mandated Bulb

Life Sucks: Dim Wit Forced to Pay $15.95 for 15 Watt Politically Mandated Bulb

I try to be as environmentally sensitive as the next guy. I do turn off my lights on the beach so as not to disturb nesting turtles, I don't keep a light burning outside my house all night so as to disturb those less fortunate than me from practicing their trade of rifling cars for food money, I lower my high beams as a courtesy to approaching vehicles, and I rather fancy watching TV in the Dark.

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Funny story: Health and Safety Commission to invade the home

Health and Safety Commission to invade the home

According to Health and Safety Watchdog the home is the last bastion of the unsafe environment, and they intend to do something about it. "We have sanitized the workplace," said HAScom spokesperson, Stuart Dent, "we have sanitized the street. The...

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Funny story: National Weather Service Issues Idiot Warning for Most of U.S.

National Weather Service Issues Idiot Warning for Most of U.S.

Tracking temperatures well into the 90's across the United States, with some regions topping 100 degrees Fahrenheit, the National Weather Service has decided to escalate their normal advisory up to an "Idiot Warning" for the next two days. Advis...

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Funny story: Arsenal's Emirates Stadium Declared 'Unsafe' - Club 'Looking For Alternative'

Arsenal's Emirates Stadium Declared 'Unsafe' - Club 'Looking For Alternative'

Mayhem broke out in North London when members of the Health And Safety Executive declared Arsenal Football Club's Emirates Stadium 'structurally unsound, inherently unsafe,' and 'liable to imminent collapse when filled to capacity.' The shocking n...

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Funny story: Restaurant owners tired of having to serve 'dirty diners'

Restaurant owners tired of having to serve 'dirty diners'

Owners of Restaurants are getting in touch with the Health Department as they are tired of having to serve dirty customers. Restaurants are inspected regularly, and closed down, if they fail to maintain a clean environment. Restaurant owners are...

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Funny story: Health & Safety Officer Suspended As A Result Of Manual He Helped Draft!

Health & Safety Officer Suspended As A Result Of Manual He Helped Draft!

Roger Brownloaf, a health and safety inspector from Dudley, could hardly believe his eyes last Monday. For when he turned on his computer he found an email in his inbox telling him that he was suspended from active duties...because of a breach of hea...

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Funny story: Lack of Pussy Blamed for Shut Down of Chinese Takeaway & Tragic Death!

Lack of Pussy Blamed for Shut Down of Chinese Takeaway & Tragic Death!

Health Department Inspectors closed down a downtown London Chinese Takeaway after a recent inspection showed a complete disregard for the most modicum of prudent food handling. The report cited rampant mice droppings, dead mice on the floor, congea...

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Funny story: UN Joins EU in Condemning US for 'Bad Bin' Recycling Practices Over Bin Laden Waste Disposal!

UN Joins EU in Condemning US for 'Bad Bin' Recycling Practices Over Bin Laden Waste Disposal!

The furor over the demise of terrorist Osama Bin Laden will not abate, now involving theories of suicide, death due to his lack of treatment for kidney stones by the NHS, terrible intestinal pain from Trichinosis, or his self immolation while sim...

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Funny story: Isle of Wight News - Children of Wootton get a wall

Isle of Wight News - Children of Wootton get a wall

Two years after taking away the play equipment in the rec just off Gamble Lane in Wootton, the council have finally relented to people-pressure to return facilities to the park. What they have provided is a wall. "It's a nice wall," said local...

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Funny story: Hotel Bans Staff From Speaking Welsh

Hotel Bans Staff From Speaking Welsh

A popular hotel on the island of Anglesey has banned staff from speaking Welsh on health and safety grounds. The management at the Carreg Mon hotel near Llanfairpwll has instructed all staff to speak only English within the grounds of the hotel or...

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Funny story: Scientists Warn Of Threat To Air Travellers

Scientists Warn Of Threat To Air Travellers

Scientists from the University of California have advised that the radiation level from airport full body scanners pose no risk to travellers. In fact, there is more exposure to radiation in cosmic rays when planes fly at their top altitude but ev...

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Funny story: iPhone Owners Face Test

iPhone Owners Face Test

The Coalition Government are set to announce a major new initiative that is sure to upset millions of iPhone users and texters. Theresa May, Secretary of State for the Home Department, today will announce that all service users in the U.K. will be...

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Funny story: Liverpool School Bans Leather Footballs

Liverpool School Bans Leather Footballs

A primary school in an area of Liverpool that has produced some of the country's top footballers has caused controversy by banning leather footballs on health and safety grounds. Joey Barton, Steven Gerrard and Peter Reid all grew up in the area o...

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Funny story: Safer Swimming

Safer Swimming

After a series of mishaps in public swimming pools, the government have decided to step in and bring the public swimming baths rule sheet up to date. No longer will it display No Running, No Bombing, No Petting and No Food or Drink. Instead, H...

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Funny story: Clean as a whistle

Clean as a whistle

Scientists at Manchester University of Science and Technology have asked that the phrase "Clean as a Whistle" be changed to Clean as Anything Other than a Whistle after a month long study into the bacteria that grow inside whistles. "Whistles are...

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Funny story: The EU Finally Makes Christmas Safer

The EU Finally Makes Christmas Safer

The EU has introduced ground-breaking regulations which, finally, take the danger out of Christmas. A raft of new legislation has been produced by Brussels, which is now being distributed to all EU member nations by President Herman Van Rumpypumpy's...

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