Visiting Your Local Job Centre Could Kill You!

Funny story written by Tommy Twinkle

Saturday, 6 August 2011

image for Visiting Your Local Job Centre Could Kill You!
On her way to the Job Centre carrying her 'old bag' of Job Search Evidence!

Job Centre staff and the unemployed job seekers they serve will have to wear face masks and hygienic surgical gloves when inside the Job Centre buildings as from from September 2011. It forms just part of a whole package of new regulations being brought in by the government this autumn in an attempt to reduce the spread of infectious diseases from cross contamination.

Scientists say the spread of last years swine flu into the community came mostly from people who had picked up the germ after visiting Job Centres, through having touched the buttons and screens of the job point machines there, and by handling things like pens already contaminated with the germ by long term unemployed job seekers who obviously could not afford to take regular baths, and so were carrying the swine flu germs around with them on their filthy fingers.

There will also be this coming winter the increasing numbers of unemployed over 60's who are now required to visit their nearest Job Centre every fortnight to sign on. They will be touching the same pens, and job point machine buttons and screens, as the other younger job seekers there.

"Elderly people are highly susceptible to picking up all kinds of diseases" explains Health & Safety spokeswoman Diane Sease. "Our concern is not that they could pick up a fatal disease when visiting the Job Centres to sign on, but that they could potentially bring into the buildings deadly diseases they already have then pass them on to younger people there, younger people who obviously still have years of productivity in them to be used by Britain's employers, and who unlike the elderly would be able to do their part in helping our government to find the necessary 120m pounds per day interest repayments to the banks."

We understand that in addition to the face masks and surgical gloves, from September this year Job Centre's will also be expected to have at there entrances liquid disinfectant dispensers, like those now found at the entrances to patients wards in our hospitals, so that people visiting the Job Centres will be able to disinfect their hands when arriving and leaving.

The government say they have no 'official' plans at present to raise the state retirement age by a further year in order to pay for these measures.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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