San Francisco CA - Scientists predict that millions of rebellious idiotic, rude, young adults will be blinded Monday. Dr. Smerve Leude of the Whackover Institute told reporters that the eclipse of the sun Monday would not be total. Damaging rays wo...
WASHINGTON DC - Congress was bypassed on yet another front this morning as the President signed an executive order, number K9666, requiring all dogs in the United States be socialized. As the President signed the order, sporting a bandage on his l...
Bethesda Maryland - Sugar is not just toxic, as some have recently postulated; but Dr. Guerivarewus, who works in a secret lab, has proven that it is a bio-warfare agent designed to kill all animal life on Earth. As Dr. Guerivarewus has shown, pla...
BERLIN - According to Austrailian sources, maps are being redrawn showing vast areas of Europe in a dark drab shade of grey. An Austrailian print shop leaked copies of a redrawn map of Europe ordered by the German government. The maps show area...
BERLIN - According to secret, well-placed sources, tanks are being taken out of secret hiding places and 'Greeced up'; battle charts with maps of Greece, Spain, England and Iceland are being distributed to bankers as they prepare to 'occupy' those co...
Scientists have discovered the secret to suspended animation! For years scientists have experimented with extreme low temperatures to achieve a state of suspended animation in humans, but have now finally cracked the code. "By pumping pure aspa...
TOKYO - The emperor of Japan has announced that Japan will be "Moving to Mars" by 2020. According to sources close to the emperor's secret compound, the plan to move Japan to Africa was foiled by huge insects that terrified Japanese school children...
Washington DC - According to local nuns here, Catholics will not be required to carry birth-control devices in plain-sight when they leave home. In a special ceremony conducted behind closed-doors, a resolution was reached at the White House. Ac...
Havana, Cuba - Machines of all description will be ruined when oil mixed with raw sugarcane juice is exported from Iran in the coming days. Raul Casablancabenot, press-underling in the Castro administration, was boasting to reporters in a bar ne...
New York, NY - The U.N. has proclaimed that effective today, no animals will be slaughtered with barbaric and painful mechanical means, such as shooting in the head. Animals will be slaughtered sweetly. Ms. Beeker, our correspondent at the U.N. r...
Phoenix, AZ - After a skirmish outside U.N. headquarters, Aspartame Boy, our reporter on the science beat, was grossly injured after being brushed off by a Ms. Knotshohot, who claims she was being followed and bothered by Aspartame Boy. Police wer...
NEW YORK, NY - The cola wars have gotten ugly lately. Cola companies are competing to create the best flesh dissolving formulations. It all started with the mouse. The UN, as in United Nations, is taking notice, according to our source. A qui...
MANCHESTER, England - Aspartame Boy now has first hand evidence that you CAN lose weight on Diet Coke. He actually lost 20 stone after switching from Diet Pepsi to Diet Coke. "I don't know why, but I just started losing weight like crazy after I...
New York - The staid Puffington Host, purveyor of light gastronomic drivel, has finally floated up into the stratosphere following publication of its latest collection of puff pastry recipes in its Home and Garden section. The recipes called for...
Emmaus, PA, - As previously reported, yesterday the TSA responded to a terror incident at the 6th street elementary school in Emmaus. What appeared to be a simple terror incident is now clouded with possible teacher corruption. It has been reported...
Emmaus, PA - A bevy of emergency vehicles, on the triangle at 11 A.M today, are responding to a terror incident at the 6th Street Elementary School in Emmaus. Kindergarten students, ranging in ages from five to seven (repeaters) are lined up against...
New York, NY - The fire department was called to quell street celebrations here after the live television audience of the pilot for the new reality TV show, "Methbusters", was accidentally exposed to massive amounts of crystal meth, according to anon...
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