Who's sexier? Sophia Loren or Heidi Klum? Jane Mansfield or Gisele Bundchen? Marilyn Monroe or Adriana Lima? The idea of what makes a woman sexy has changed since the 1950's. Whereas having large, round breasts, wide hips, and an ample derriere was once considered the epitome of feminine beauty, by contemporary standards these attributes would cause a woman to be labeled "fat" and "unattractiv...
Although not as expensive to produce and not usually considered as "good" as motion pictures, television (TV) shows are still, by everyone's standards except, perhaps, those of Bill Gates, costly and, therefore, even their goofs, flubs, fuckups, boners, and bloopers, as mistakes by cast and crew are called (except when they're called outtakes or, in England, "a comedy of errors"), are often preser...
Erotic art is an excuse, in the form of sketches, paintings, sculptures, and other media, to show naked people, many of whom are depicted as engaging in "erotic" (a codeword for sexual) activities. Although some people try to distinguish between erotic art and pornography, no argument for such a distinction has ever been generally accepted, and most people agree that one person's erotic art is ano...
Rupert Giles studied at Oxford University, but dropped out before earning a history degree to become a voyeur, or "watcher," as his father and grandmother Edna had been before him. Rather than taking his wayward son to task for wasting what could have been a superb education at one of the world's leading universities, Giles' father approved of his decision, affirming it as a fulfillment of his "de...
The Bionic Woman was created out of spare, mostly human, somewhat female body parts as a companion for Colonel Steve Austin, a lonely former astronaut-become-cyborg, after she dove headfirst into a cow patty from a height of 12,000 feet in an attempt to decorate a clover patch with her remains. Before her tragic accident, she had been a tennis player known for her wicked backhand. Rebuilt by Dr...
"I wish I was in Dixie." - Epitaph on Nicole Brown Simpson's headstone Dixie or Dixieland (not to be mistaken for Disneyland) is an imaginary country celebrated in a number of popular songs and, as such, takes its place not so much among the nations of the earth as it does among other nations of the mind, in a mental atlas alongside Narnia, Middle Earth, Oz, La La Land, Never Never Land, and...
A comic book is a magazine, rarely a book, printed on cheap newsprint or toilet tissue, which is rarely funny, or "comic," so it should be renamed, but those in the industry are lazy, preferring to draw poorly executed pictures that illustrate barely literate narratives (stories) in bold and fancy fonts. Due to the imbecilic level of their "reader's" intelligence and literacy, these magazines a...
In The Secret of Wealth and Happiness, Hu Humpher, under the pen name Hugh Hefner, founder of Playboy magazine, explains what led to his success: the Playboy Playmate. For anyone who may be visiting from another planet, a Playboy Playmate is a full-color, glossy, airbrushed photograph of a nude woman with a staple through at least one portion (and usually two) of her anatomy. She is also someti...
The Epic of Gilgamesh is a long, boring, heroic poem by Gil Gamesh, a Babylonian who plagiarized the story from ancient Sumerian sources and claimed that the events of the poem, outlandish though they are, actually happened to him. One of the poem's key episodes in the flood, which, when it is written about in the Bible, is known as the Biblical flood, but, in Gilgamesh, is referred to as The Delu...
WASHINGTON, DC --- Convinced that it knows what is best for everyone else, the Obama administration has launched a new effort to control citizens' behavior and bend them to the federal government's will: BIT (Behavioral Insights Team) is working "ac...
"Booger" (also "boogie") is the polite name for snot, a free, delicious, nutritious emergency ration produced, without fanfare, by the nasal mucosa in such abundance that individuals swallow approximately 3.48 gallons per day without realizing it. Boogers are made up of mucin, water, cells, and inorganic salts. Depending upon the size of the serving, a single helping may contain from 10 to 40 c...
HOLLYWEIRD, CA, THE LAND OF NUTS AND FRUITS --- Wannabe actress Leah Remini refuses to go quietly back into the woodwork after severing ties with the merry band of L. Ron Hubbard's followers, who believe that earth is under the control of extraterres...
SOSO, Oklahoma-- Dr. Ima Voyeur, an astronomer peeping at the sun through a telescope, was blinded by the light, realizing that it's not polite to peer at heavenly bodies without their knowledge and consent. The sun was in the midst of undressing,...
Wolverine was born in Canada. He has no mother; his father, Marvel artist Len Wein, is thought to have created him through masturbation, much as the ancient Greeks created the gods who ruled them. In the comic books, however, Wolverine's origin is attributed to the Canadian government (as if the Canucks' scientists were capable of creating anything akin to sheer damn manliness). Soon after his...
Hot-headed teen Johnny Storm rode his future brother-in-law's crotch rocket through what Reed Richards said was a stream of "cosmic rays" but which, in the comic book sequence during which this scene occurs, off-screen, so to speak, in shadows, beneath a full room, amid wine and roses, looks much like gobs of Richards' ejaculate. The experience changed both partners forever, as it did onlookers...
Jennifer Love Hewitt came to fame when she starred in the TV sitcom Partying with Five, in which she played Sarah Reeves Marin, a promiscuous teen tart. She also raised eyebrows (and male appendages) as Julie James in the 1997 motion picture I Know What My Breasts Did Last Summer. Her curvaceous body--she has an amazing rack!--made it clear that she had "grown" considerably, both as an actress and...
The Punisher, a sadistic sociopath, is the son--some would say, the spawn--of a love tryst between Gene Conway and his wife, John Romita. Taunted mercilessly by his bullying schoolmates because of his dubious parentage, vowed to avenge himself not only upon his tormentors, but also upon society in general. To show that, in his case, the apple, although wormy, had fallen far from the tree, he wo...
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