Tara Palmer-Tomkinson - My Fake Diary

Tuesday, 14 October 2008

8.00 Gosh what a day already!. Have just raised myself from my Louis Vitton bed and am just about to put on my Gannex Bathrobe.

9.00 Phoned by bestest friend Annabel Airhead. We have a lunchtime meeting at the new Ordure Bar in Soho, owned by my bestest friend Fulda Krapp. She is expecting a fine crowd of we lovely people.

10.00 Time to have my hair set. I go to Nutters on King's Road in Chelsea. It was recommended by my bestest friend Lorna Lunatic. She found it by accident when she was on her mobile phone. Unforetunately she was also driving her fab 4x4 at the time. When she came out of prison and her back and legs had healed, we went in, and I have been going back there ever since.

12.00 Missed the hair appointment through having to look up the dictionary book to help with my 10.00 entry which was sooooo long.

2.00 Harriette Hairnet phoned. She's my bestest friend. We went to the local organic shop for some organic stuff. I was told that their new organic Yak's Urine and Hemlock Tea is very refreshing and great for the toenails. Met Danielle Dimwit, my bestest friend. She was buying organic sliced slugs for her salad.

4.00 Time flies when you're having fun spending daddy's money. Afternoon tea with Barry Brainless, my bestest friend. I like him because he has a wonderfully-shaped penis. Looks like a wallet. I know a lot about wallets. Especially how to empty them.

6.00 Supper time with Daddy. Took my bestest friend Fatima Fatuous to meet them. She's really harmless, because she has no brain and is confined to a chair for most of the day.

8.00 Time to catch up on the soaps. Ursula Useless, my bestest friend, has a soap she bought in Harvey Nicks, while Sara Stuupide, my bestest friend, has one she bought in Harrods. We don't speak to Agatha Aaswhole as she bought her soap from Poundstretcher.

11.30 Time for bed. Have taken a night cap because my bestest friend Barry Brainless has come round to have sex with me. He is soooo lucky, as I don't sleep with any old multi-millionaire, don't you know.


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