Tara Palmer-Tomkinson - My Fake Diary

Thursday, 21 August 2008

9.00 Yippee. It's 9am which is considerably after 8am. Had a breakfast of deep fried museli with boiled yoghurt, a recipe I got from my bestest friend Tamara Dimwit

10.00 Off to London Weekend Television to record a programme. I think it's a television one. I do like to give the license payer value for money. That chap Professor Stephen Hawking is on and will be telling us about his experience when he was on Big Brother

11.30 Television recording finished and now off to the Dreck Bar in Soho for the opening of their new snug. I'm wearing my new £600 Crapatchi Jeans and £1300 Jimmy Zoo trainers. I do look good. People say my legs start at my toes and go right up to my arse, and I believe them

14.00 Meeting Daddy to get my spending money from him, as I am down to my last quarter of a million. Can't have an IT girl like me struggling to buy her bits and pieces from Harvey Nix don't you know, OK yar.

14.30 Off to Harold's, the big store in Nitsbrigge where all we celebs and important people shop. Need to buy some Barnsley Yak's Milk and Canadian Beaver Droppings for my facial treatment.

16.00 Time for afternoon tea with Bella Blozjobbe and Rachel Shrek, my two bestest friends.

18.00 Back home and time for a shower. I do like to scrub my important little places with a loofer and Castrol GTX. It's great for the complexion, according to the fashion expert, and my bestest friend Gok Kak.

19.00 Off to Krap Bar in Bermondsey for their opening night. All the celebs will be there, including my bestest friends Jane Feckless and Elizabeth Fnar-Fnar, the famous hairdresser. She's retired now after three days coz she felt a girl in her position shouldn't have to clean up after paying customers.

2.00 Rolled into bed feeling tired and completely pissed. Maybe I had too much to drink, although I can't prove it because I was out of my head at the time. Can't wait until tomorrow when I collect my new car from Skoda and my designer tea towel from Crock Shop.