Prince Harry - My Fake Diary

Tuesday, 15 February 2011

Dear Diary,

So I can't believe that William has got himself hitched! When I first heard I was all like, you are a fool my brother, she's well chavtastic. Like, she ain't even descended from aristocracy! Her parents are SELF-MADE millionaires, which I think is actually well rank. And she wears those big hats all the time. Weird. Dad says it's good though, he said our bloodline is like ribina and it has to be watered down to be at its best. Granddad came in at this point and said that actually our bloodline is like red wine: it shouldn't be mixed with anything else and it's a crime to put water in it. Then everyone got a bit awkward so I went and watched Futurama.

The best thing though is that I get to do the stag do!!!!!! I literally cannot wait. Everyone is like, don't make a big thing of it, but I know how to handle partying without getting in trouble. I had a well wicked idea for it anyway. Basically, we'll do a load of Jagerbombs then get the private jet to take us somewhere. It was a tie up between Gloucestershire and Botswana, but then I heard some new guy chatting about Ireland and I had a stag night epiphany! Ireland will be perfect, it's not too far away in case we lose Wills; they speak English; and it's the home of GUINNESS! Everyone will have about half a mil to spend and we'll do a massive scavenger hunt across Dublin or somewhere. I bet the locals will be so happy to see us, it's really nice for the common people to get to watch us in public spending money on real things like normos.

The only other thing is what to get them for a present. I was thinking of like something funny like some sexy underwear for Kate or something but Camilla said maybe I shouldn't. So I'm going to get them a micropig, apparently they grow to massive sizes or something so that will be well funny. Although Dad will probably cut it up for bacon or something. We could freeze the bacon and give it to their kids to commemorate their wedding. At least there's no chance of Kate having chavtastic kids, as long as they go to uni once the tuition fees have risen they'll only be able to mix with the right kind of people.

Anyway, I have to go now. The fancy dress for the stag do has just arrived. Apparently the Nazi one caused a bit of bother last time so not going there again! I've got a load of pillows and fishnet tights and we're going as fat prostitutes, LOL. Write again soon,

Harry