Lucifer - My Fake Diary

Wednesday, 17 April 2019

Dear Diary,

I recently tried to have the Notre Dame Cathedral destroyed by inspiring a group of careless construction workers to try and cook-up a Quail Flambé. My plan was going swimmingly. I was able to make one of them feel such guilt, and nervousness about cooking up in the rafters, that she knocked over the Hibachi grill that they were using, spilling flaming Cognac-covered quails onto the old, and very dry, timbers. This was only part of my plan. The real "ace up my sleeve," was to try and inspire that imbecilic asshole, and supreme emperor of sabotage, Donald Trump, into suggesting something stupid in order to further fuck up the situation. I was impressed when he suggested that the French have a tanker plane "water-bomb" the blaze. I really had my hopes up, but alas, all was lost! I didn't count on the fact that, outside of the small minority of French nationalist shit-heads, the majority of French people are intelligent, well-adjusted, and caring. They resisted Donnie's retarded advice, and handled the fire with great deftness and skill. Oh well, maybe I'll go back to trying to inspire Trump to initiate a nuclear attack against Iran...