HRH Prince Phillip, Duke of Edinburgh - My Fake Diary

Thursday, 4 September 2008

8.00 One raised oneself from slumber to have one's breakfast

8.30 No sign of her oneness indoors, so went upstairs to the bally bedroom to see what was going on. Found one's wife watching that dreadful Jeremy Kyle on the breakfast picture show on the flat screen apparatus in the corner of the room. Jolly flat thing altogether don't you know. Very unlike Jeremy Kyle to have such a flat-chested guest on his picture show

9.00 Joined by one's wife for tea, toast and truffles

10.00 One's jug-eared son phoned to issue an invite to brunch. Suggested to her oneness indoors that there could ge great potential for one to have a go at his maid, who hails from some place called Thighland. Must have nice legs, one assumes, if she comes from such a named place. The foreigners do have strage rules, don't you know.

12.00 Stopped off at Costcutters for a newspaper and a bottle of gin. I do wish her oneness indoors would get into the habit of carrying some cash. Would avoid one always having to break a £20 note. Just noticed, a pretty nice picture of her oneness indoors on the front of the note, eh?

15.00 Got back from lunch with jug-ears. Thought the daughter in law Diana has really gone off. Looks like a horse and wears a very funny hat. And is oo old-looking now.

17.00 Time for tea and a spot of grouse shooting on the Mall with the Secretary of State.

19.00 State banquet for some slitty-eyed ambassador or other. I think a chap from Germany. Her oneness indoors has issued instuctions that I don't mention the War, as if I would.

22.00 Home at last. Have instructed the butler to run this evening's Eastenders on the the flat screen apparatus. Seems there's some plus box thing that has recorded it. I always thought the BBC might wait until one got back in the evening before transmitting the programme.

22.45 Cup of Horlicks with her oneness indoors, a quick read of the paper that I bought with my money this morning and then to bed.