Bruce Forsyth - My Fake Diary

Saturday, 6 February 2010

My dear showbiz diary - do you love me as much as I love myself?

This week has been another exhausting round of luvvie work!

Those common peasants on 'Strictly' laughed at ME just because I kept misreading the auto-cue.

Then on Tuesday I had a bit of rug trouble when the Queen and her Greek-born husband popped round to ask my advice as to whether Kate Middleton was too common for her grandson.

During her audience , the snotty cow's corgis ripped off my undetectable wig and I had to get Phil off his arse get it back: the lazy sod!

Then to cap it all, I was dragged before the directors of the BBC, just because I killed a rat in the studio and then ate it for lunch in the canteen.

Do the inadequate bastards realise who I am?

I've performed with the best in my fabulous showbiz career - Sinatra- Sammy Davis Jnr- Bing Crosby - The Chuckle Brothers- to name just a few.

So, diary, I told her royal-bitch-highness where she could stick her telegram on my 100th birthday!

My diary, why can't common types like Her majesty know their place, when they are dealing with a mega-stars like me?