Adolf Hitler - My Fake Diary

Monday, 11 July 2016

Mein Kampf. My battle. Everyone probably has read my book by now. A true masterpiece. Yuuuuuuge. How dare they call me a dictator? Don't they know I'm still alive and well in the Bahamas, smoking the ganja with Osama Bin Laden? Ask Snowden if you don't believe me.

That guy knows way more than he leaked, believe you me. Vlad wouldn't be happy if he found out just how many international secrets Snowden has spilled under his watch. But this is not about Snowden, or Vlad or even Bin Laden.

This is about Heil Hitler and my undying fascist empire. I will not be silenced.

Yes, that's right CIA. I'ma come out and say it once and for all. Adolf Hitler is still alive.

Did you guys actually think I committed suicide? That's no fun! I would have missed the invention of drones, Google, Apple, the iPhone, the iPad, Donald Trump! Are you effing crazy??

Heck no, I'm not the suicidal type. I love life, which is why I cut a deal with Uncle Sam back in 1948. I was the first one to enlist psychic spies and remote-viewing assassins to sell their souls to me.

I fine-tuned sniper technology, so much so that the Americans paid me millions of dollars in cash to sell them some of the breakthrough discoveries I made while I was experimenting with the Jews over at Auschwitz.

I basically own the U.S. military with all the science and technology I've sold them. I kept the best for myself, of course. That's why the CIA protects me. They still hope I'll build them the Übermensch. Fools. Do they actually think I'm that retarded?

You may not believe this, but it was thanks to me that the Super Soldier program got started back in 1972. There's some truth to all those super hero stories, you know? Wolverine? The Hulk? Secret scientific experiments in underground labs, all of them disavowed by Big Brother when things got too heated and a few of our "lab rats" escaped into the real world.

It's all based on my inhumane experiments, for which I've been richly rewarded. That's right. Nowadays, I have my own highly classified resort in the Bahamas where I play poker and smoke top-shelf Cuban cigars (don't believe Freud when he says sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, he's lying).

I invite hookers over from the Nevada Love Ranch (no offense to Lamar), and I also wine and dine spousal abusers like Johnny Depp and Charlie Sheen. You should check out my super-luxurious bachelor pad. Pablo Escobar's La Catedral pales in comparison, I tell you.

Hey, even world-famous jerks like the GOP's Paul Ryan need to have their fun in the sun away from their wives and mistresses every now and then, right?

Oh, if you only knew the secrets about Washington I've been entrusted with. I could have compiled my own encyclopedia by now if I weren't too busy trying every flavor of e-cig available on the market today.

Even my good ol' buddy ol' pal Donald Trump comes to play golf here every now and then. Conspiracy nut Alex Jones is also a regular at my love nest.

And no, I'm not gay, in case you were wondering. Caitlyn Jenner has never been invited to hang out with us, not even when he was Bruce. I don't want no Kardashians stinking up my bathtubs to high heavens. Even I have moral standards in case you were wondering.

So, there, I finally disclosed the truth. Adolf Hitler is still alive, and so is Elvis. Among the discoveries I refused to sell to Uncle Sam was the elixir of life. Yes, I cracked that code, too, FYI.

Only problem is anyone who takes my elixir can never die, which brings me to the whole reason I'm being forced to reveal my secret to the world today. I need an antidote, not so much because I want to die right away, but because there's certain fellows that are really pissing me off these days, who used to be old buddies of mine.

I was much too trusting in my younger days and made the grave mistake of giving them a sip of my elixir, and now I can't seem to get rid of them. The muthafuckas simply won't die, so now I'm finding myself caught in the biggest pickle in human history.

I must find an antidote to the elixir of life I concocted so that I can finally live or die in peace whenever I feel like it. Anyone care to share some ideas with me, please hit me up on Twitter where I'm currently masquerading as UFO Jesus.

I take on many masks, so don't go crucifying the poor guy just because I'm temporarily highjacking his Twitter account. Hope you can help me out, if you believe my story, that is. I ain't gonna name names, but, if you're famous, you might be on my hit list, so celebs beware.

No place is safe from Adolf Hitler. I literally could be anywhere right now. I'm way more nosy and insidious than the NSA, FBI and CIA all rolled up together in a single taco. My all-seeing-eye is EVERYWHERE.

Until next time.

Yours truly,

Adolf Hitler

Over and out.