Written by Kenneth Manboobs
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Topics: Bones, information

Wednesday, 21 April 2004

image for Woman gets 97% of information from e-mail forwards.
"People say I'm a 'twit', but that's really a pregneant goldfish."

Grundy Center, IA - Local woman Grace Aiken makes no bones about it, she loves e-mail forwards. Even to the point that she estimates that on a given day up to 97% of the information that she shares with others is derived directly from this relatively new phenomenon. Whether it is checking out at the local Cum-N-Go grocery or making small talk with her repairman, Grace is more than likely annoying someone.

Locals noticed the upswing in Grace's useless information citing habits approximately a year and a half ago, "It was about the time she hooked up with the AOL" remembered Aiken's niece Amber Newman. "Gracie started on me during one visit before Christmas with the ‘You know ingrown toenails are hereditary' and ‘Did you know Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a bellybutton?' it freaked me right out." While relatives and passing acquaintances both agree that the lifestyle change is generally for the worse Grace Aiken plows ahead with a "live for today" attitude figuring that, "Goldfish have memory spans of only three seconds, why can't some people be more like that?"

Longtime boyfriend Karl San Luis Obispo is one of the few that have come to accept the change and has even embraced the one-liners about ostrich brains and little known Persian colloquialisms that now enjoy a place in common American vernacular. "I told her that this was the 21st century, hell everybody will be learning this way in a few years." Aiken too sees herself as somewhat of a technological martyr, "Ever since I started forwarding on the forwards I got, or ‘doubling' as it's known, I've had a good many friends block me; and not only from sending them e-mails either."

One of those long time friends who chose to remain anonymous as a source for this story in hopes of a reconciliation or a power outage weighed in to the fray, "I'd almost rather see spam advertising an ‘Extra Three Inches Around ph_u832!' than another mind numbing forward proclaiming that the ‘#" key is really called an octothorpe. I use that key when I curse on a public forum board, but I certainly didn't need to add that to my list of ‘sh#t I could care less about'."

Grace will no doubt stop to think about how her frivolous knowledge gained over the internet has affected her life and relationships but doubts she will change her ways. "Forwards and I are like Emus and Kangaroos, we can't go backwards. I mean literally, did you know it is physically impossible for those animals to walk backwards?" Ms. Aiken may indeed have forwards down pat, but analogies evidently will be another mountain entirely.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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