Written by Felix Minderbinder
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Saturday, 12 August 2006

WASHINGTON (AP)-The US Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has certified the popular sweetener aspartame as an ant poison.

"Aspartame was originally developed as an ant poison and it was only changed to being non-poisonous after it was realized that a lot more money could be made on it as a sweetener," said an FDA spokesman. "We are just notifying the public and industry about the original and best use of this stuff."

He continued, "That crap kills ants dead. It works on carpenter ants, silverfish, roaches, and almost anything in fact. You just gotta open a coupla packets of aspartame sweetener and dump them in a corner of each of the rooms with the infestation. It works better than the most deadly poisons we have tried. Any time they show up again, simply dump another package of aspartame in a corner, and they will be gone for a year or so."

The FDA found that certain types of insects like small black ants will not eat the aspartame, but scientists determined that if you mix it with apple juice, they would quickly take it back to the nest, and "all would be dead within 24 hours."

Aspartame is also effective against fire ants, but the poison may not work until it is lightly sprinkled with a light rain or a garden hose, with just enough water so as to not wash it away.

One FDA technician observed, "After I wetted the aspartame the fire ants went crazy with hundreds of them grabbing it and taking it back into their mound. When I checked the mound 2 days later, there was no sign of the fire ants. I even dug the mound up some, and still saw none of them."

FDA scientists know that aspartame is a neuropoison which kills ants by disrupting their nervous system and their hearts and their senses.

"Ants start acting weird, they begin fighting and having wars, and they end up dying," noted an FDA research paper.

An FDA consumer guide on the use of the poison recommends wearing gloves and washing any skin areas that come in contact with it since it is so toxic, and avoid getting it in your mouth, despite what consumer labeling may indicate.

Aspartame is also effective against other insects such as yellow jackets, wasps, praying mantises, and certain other higher lifeforms.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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