Written by plinth course
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Topics: Health, Switzerland

Sunday, 16 July 2006

image for H5N1 Killed by WHO
Leaked photo of CDC 'private' meeting flipchart, WHO not present.

Geneva, Switzerland--The World Health Organization (WHO) announced today that it has killed H5N1. The name, that is. WHO, in conjunction with a reluctant (insiders say kicking and screaming) CDC, cited a need for clear communication.

Morberg Fangang, WHO Acting Director (following the sudden death of the Actual Director during the last meeting with CDC), said that the naming system already in place is "too difficult" for the layperson to understand. "We want the populace of the world to grasp fully the horrors to befall us when we're hit like a S-H-T-L-D-o-B-R-K-S," he stated/spelled to assembled reporters.

"URN8.0NZLF is a vast improvement, much more user-friendly than H5N1. We think, anyway," Fangang continued. "The CDC did have objections, among them the so-called "cryptic" messages they see folded in. But we persuaded them that this nomenclature is the best of our best work, notwithstanding their juvenile behavior, delinquent really."

URN8.0NZLF has become a hot topic on the blogs, most propounding a massive conspiracy to let Asia suffer the consequences of "choosing to live with their livestock," while sending a message to the West. The message, they seem to agree is, roughly speaking, "Close all your borders, don't let Indians/Asians/Africans/Middle Easterners immigrate, or we're DOOMED." Which group is to be locked out and what they're to be called depends on the obvious education of the poster.

MyMind and DailyDose seemed to contain the highest number of posts on the topic, most pointing to the "English Only" text and the computer-savvy encryption as "proof positive beyond all doubt" (PPBAD in blogspeak) that the West is being given priority knowledge, perhaps a warning. One blogger insisted "8.0" was to be read backwards as "08" to denote a deadline of some sort, another pointed to the "URN" as definitive for an ash container, and many insisted that the "Z" was a subtle warning to Germany.

The CDC was the only "alphabet" organization invited to the super-secret naming sessions. Colonna Giovanni, Chief Science Officer, characterized the meetings as "rough as corn cobs." When asked by a reporter to expand on that, he displayed a look of defeat. "At first we thought they were joking. I mean, all the things we got to do, and here we get a directive to reNAME an established virus. What are they smoking over there in Switzerland?"

Giovanni's expression suddenly converted to panic, whereupon he half sprinted from the building, arms flaying about, reporters in pursuit. "229 cases of URN8.0NZLF so far, 131 deaths, but NONE OF THEM IN THE WEST," he squealed, seemingly toward passing motorists.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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