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Showing page 4 (of 28 pages)
Meanwhile, Back at the Hall of Justice
BATMAN: Pres. Obama spent his first term battling so-called "job creators."
ROBIN: Holy Tea Parties, Batman! Those liars clearly don't want anyone to know about the Eisenhower administration!
written by The San Francisco Onion, 06 February 2013
49ers Would Have Forfeited to Ravens Anyway
Investigation finds coach Jim Harbaugh of San Francisco 49ers, facing loss to brother John, coach of Baltimore Ravens, sent 49ers special teams unit to cut Superdome power, changing game's momentum.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 04 February 2013
Grand Old Partier Takes 34-31 Loss Hard
Karl Rove has too much to drink watching Superbowl, becomes confused. Blue team beats red team, Rove spends next 30 minutes shouting at television, "They still haven't finished counting in Ohio!"
written by The San Francisco Onion, 04 February 2013
Exhaustive Research Pays Off
Global warming denier doubts burning fossil fuels changes atmospheric composition, temperature. Scaled-down experiment tests theory: He pulls car into garage, closes door, leaves car running, dies.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 02 February 2013
Still within firing range
When they find who orchestrated Walmart's campaign of bribery in Mexico, heads will roll at the country's largest employer. Oh, wait, that only applies for drug cartels, Mexico's 2nd largest employer.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 21 April 2012
Going around in circles
Astronomers discover an Earth-size planet orbiting a sun-like star in the so-called "Gridlock" zone where conditions could be favorable for life, but partisan politics stand in the way.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 18 December 2011
Practice what you preach
Mitt Romney says President Obama has "made it more difficult for this economy to reboot, reboot, reboot..." as a Romney aide reaches in, pressing a button behind the presidential hopeful's ear.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 18 December 2011
Onomatopoeia on a mission
Russian space officials grunt upon learning failed Phobos-Grunt Mars probe will crash to Earth next month. They remain hopeful the upcoming Phobos-Whoop probe will fare better.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 18 December 2011
Sarah Palin runs, but not for president
Alaska's ex-governor escapes Wasilla in a nick of time as the state's sixth-largest city disappears into the softening permafrost on the northern point of Cook Inlet, making redistricting likely.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 18 December 2011
It's all relative
Rick Perry: "Something's wrong in America when gays can serve in the military but kids can't celebrate Christmas or pray in school." President Obama: "He's lucky he didn't grow up in Kenya!"
written by The San Francisco Onion, 18 December 2011
Rick Perry: "Voters don't understand integers"
Texas governor defends gaffe: "Cutting $5 trillion from Obama's $3.7 trillion budget makes sense. Negative 3.7 plus 5 equals 1.3. Come on, guys, you should have learned this in high school."
written by The San Francisco Onion, 18 December 2011
Watch where you're putting that thing!
After she was the victim of an attempted sexual offense, a dyslexic woman explained to police that the perpetrator kept trying to get her into the "96" position.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 17 December 2011
Ron Paul attacks George Stephanopoulos
Not wanting to miss out on Republican attacks, Ron Paul lambasts the 5-foot 6-inch television journalist with a cane. Stephanopoulos isn't Republican - there just wasn't anyone smaller nearby.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 17 December 2011
Newt Gingrich attacks Mitt Romney
Republican presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich waits for Romney outside a restroom, then wallops the Massachusetts governor over the head with a 22-inch largemouth bass.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 17 December 2011
Michele Bachman attacks Newt Gingrich
Presidential hopeful Michele Bachman lost balance as Gingrich dodged the attack, but still managed to reduce one leg of the former House Speaker's trousers to shreds with her teeth before he fled.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 17 December 2011
Bonds no match for Bonds
Barry Bonds' 30 days in jail was changed to 30 days house arrest after baseball's all-time steroid use leader demonstrated an ability to bend cell bars with his bare hands.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 16 December 2011
Tim Tebow compares himself to Rick Perry
Tim Tebow, starting quarterback for the Denver Broncos, says that he too cannot remember which three federal agencies Rick Perry would eliminate if elected president.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 16 December 2011
A step too far
Dept of Homeland Security fires Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio for fueling a "culture of anti-Latino bias" while he's kicking Latino illegals the f**k out of America.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 15 December 2011
Dubya the tree hugger
As war in Iraq draws to a close, green Obama administration hopes to reuse original "Mission Accomplished" banner, but finds Bush administration had it composted almost 9 years ago.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 15 December 2011
The joke's on Iowa
Rick Perry presses Mitt Romney on a point at Iowa Republican debate. Romney jokingly wagers median income of Iowa that Perry is wrong. Perry calls, raises him one John Deare tractor.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 11 December 2011
Breaking News: Snip It
Area barber shop robbed. Police comb the scene for clues.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 10 December 2011
They grow up so fast
Japanese baby food company recalls 400,000 cans of infant formula containing radioactive cesium after an enormous toddler nursed on it defeats sumo champion Yokozuna Hakuho.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 08 December 2011
Old habits die hard
Former Illinois Gov. Rod R. Blagojevich convicted of corruption charges, sentenced to 14 years in prison. They were going to send him to the electric chair, but he sold it.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 08 December 2011
Gas, grass or ass
In a last ditch effort to remain solvent, the U.S. Postal Service announced that it will ease shipping restrictions on drugs, flammables, and smut.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 06 December 2011
Showing page 4 (of 28 pages)
