In a staggering turnaround, Lord Peter Mangelson (Business Secretary and Minister With A Finger In Every Pie) has announced that, from next Tuesday, all generation of electricity is banned. "I was at Ratcliffe - on - Soar earlier today and I saw t...
In a slow news day, watch out for Ryo Heene! The 6-year old has signed with MGM for a biopic to tell the story of the helium balloon that floated off (as they do). "My Dad let go of the string and it just floated away" moans Ryo (whose name means...
A small group of British chidren wended their cautious way along the path to the peak of Mount Snowdon, shepherded by a party of mountain leaders, teachers and welfare specialists. Tommy (12), the designated leader of the junior group, was entrust...
The spiralling cost of university education has to be brought under control;. In a startling new policy shift, the Liberal Democratic Party leader ........ .......... (Fill in blanks with this week's name) has announced a revolutionary approach to...
Baroness Uzbekistan, the United Kingdom's chief law officer, recently embroiled in a scandal over her alleged employment of an illegal immigrant is herself under investigation. The police smashed their way into her "main residence" at 4am yesterda...
Katie Price just wants to be accepted for what she is - At this weekend's prestigious Cartier All-in Unlimited Polo Tournament, she showed us her stuff! Royalty was present, in the form of Eddie Chav, the king of the Essex pikeys, who was accompan...
An original piece of research by that most august body, the Royal Society, has pinned down some of the root causes of prostrate trouble. They are, in order of most likely occurrence: 1. Being in possession of no job. 2. Being unlikely to seek...
You do not expect to hear hundreds of emergency vehicle sirens approaching a White House function. But sirens they were - and they were incredibly necessary. For Jennifer Lopez, who had ill-advisedly crammed her generous rear end into a Victori...
The embattled, embittered Italian President, Silvio Berlusconi is to hang up his spurs. No longer will the Presidential Palazzo in Rome reverberate to the sound of shagging, fellatio and sado-masochistic ritual. No longer will knowing businessm...
In a spectacular own-goal, Harriett Harman, Equalities Minister (read man-bashing) has declared war on lap dancing as a legitimate business expense. This was intended as a skirmish in her all-out war on men in general and on men enjoying themselve...
MacBurger has announced a prestigious new annual arts prize for the fastest texted irreverent joke following any tragic event. The clock will be started once a celebrity dies, a building collapses, a film actress forgets her underwear or any other internationally symbolic moment. Category awards will be available: 1. Fastest and funniest. 2. Fastest and most sexist. 3. Fastest and mo...
It was the day, usually in Spring or early summer when the millions of women of all shapes, ages and sizes seemed to make a collective decision to put away Winter's dowdy garments and blossom forth in sheer, lightweight fabrics and bare legs. Sali...
Sarah Ferguson is working on a new career as a documentary film maker. She recently bought a deprived estate in North Manchester and lived alone amongst its denizens accompanied only by an 11 - man film crew and 15 bodyguards. "Cripes - it was...
The Health and Safety Executive has spoken - From next Tuesday, the River Thames will be turned off in preparation for filling it in to make allotments. The HSE was tasked by Lord Mangelson (Business Secretary and Minister With A Finger In Every P...
There was panic aboard an Airbus 320 when French-speaking passengers heard the announcement that "We're crashing - say goodbye". The English speakers on board heard the usual "In a few moments, we will pass down the aisle with our duty free collec...
Dan Brown's latest thriller, "The Lost Thingummyjig" has gone straight to the top of the bestseller lists before it has even been written! Slapper & Toerag the publishers have invested £5 million in an option on the book which is to be a seque...
Mr & Mr Elton John, or is it Sir Elton and Lady David, or should it have been Mr & Mr David Furnish - anyway - doesn't matter now. For the Ukraine has declared that the "marriage" is invalid (3 cheers for the Ukraine!) and because of a lit...
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