Written by Alan Goodfellow
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Tuesday, 30 January 2007

image for Happy Wedgie attacks on the increase

The Deputy Chief Inspector of London's Metropolitan Police has today expressed serious concerns regarding the increase of random "Happy Wedgie" attacks being carried out on London's streets in recent weeks.

"For the past few years the Hoodie "fad" was Happy Slapping which we managed to finally get under control in the summer of 2006. However it now appears a far more brutal way of attacking innocent people known as the "Happy Wedgie" is on the increase. Attacks occur mainly near bus stops, tube stations and outside schools and offices. Attacks involve picking a random victim and pulling his underpants up so hard from his trousers, that his shoulders can be hooked through the leg holes, thus rendering the subject not only helpless and breathless but severely traumatised and humiliated".

"The assaults are usually so fast, furious and unexpected, that victims do not even have enough time to attempt a dead leg on their attacker(s)".

He continued "Our advise to male members of the public is that we strongly recommend not to wear Y-Fronts or briefs, but instead go for a heavy cotton, tight legged Boxer short undergarment in the winter, and commando in the summer until such time we can get this situation under control."

The Police have already adopted this policy themselves, and will be stopping men of all ages in the street to remind them of the dangers of "unsafe pants" from tomorrow.

Happy Wedgy victim Nigel Wormworthy, 52 spoke to us from his hospital bed in Battersea and said that he welcomed the recommendations of the Deputy Chief Inspector. "Thank goud for that" he said, "and thank goud for the Police taking an interest. I wouldn't want anyone to go through what I did. My voice is now 3 octaves higher and I've as good as gone through 5 tubs of Vasoline in the past 2 days, it's not cheap you know!"

Mr Wormworthy was in hospital recovering from crushed testicles and severe burn marks to his ringpiece following a brutal attack last week. He's expected to be discharged within a fortnight.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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