EMMAUS - Constable Finless closed the Emmaus Saloon for serving its 'Aspartame Knocker': 2 jiggers lemon juice, 1 PURE aspartame. Blinded patrons were knocked on their Pennsylvania dutch lardy butts (PDLB).
Investigation by the Emmaus constable revealed that the bartender had sent away for the pure aspartame thru the mail from Ebray( "the EEE HAW! people").
"It's a wonder that people are allowed to order such dangerous chemicals through the mail," panted Finless, after taking five huge gulps of diet orange soda.
"He could have blinded half the town if we didn't shut him down. Hey, reporter, can you help me find my glasses? I think my eyesight must be fading. The only thing I can see really clearly are those nice gum packages at the Mall*Wart."
At this point Finless tripped over his shoelace and landed on his PDLB. I could have helped him get up, but I had to catch a plane to New Jersey to interview.. well you will see it next week.
