Written by Mike Monpas
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Topics: Armageddon

Monday, 31 May 2010

image for Positive Thinking Prevents Armageddon

Following the Attacks of September 11th, 2001, Professor Lawrence Shannon expected the Earth's geopolitical situation to rapidly spiral out of control. He, like many other realists grounded in the intellectual world, never expected to see the year 2010. Now that nearly ten years have passed, Dr. Shannon is seeking answers.

"None of this world wide political insanity over the past nine years has made a bloody god damn bit of sense to me," said the Professor in a recent interview at Oxford University. "For years I woke every day expecting the world to be a smoldering pile of ruins by the time five o'clock came around. As matter of course I developed a rather steady drinking habit, much like that of Winston Churchill, of about a fifth of Scotch each afternoon. At any rate, I finally decided to do some research in order to discover exactly why the Earth hasn't been destroyed yet when each day, conditions indicate that it should be engulfed in a toxic fireball."

The professor pulled a flask from his tweed jacket and took a long drink. He went on, "So, here we have a situation where these terrorists whose mindset is mired in the 7th Century decide to attack one of the most powerful nations on Earth. Of course, the nation at the time was run by a half wit of questionable qualifications by the name of George W. Bush. He sends troops to the Middle Eastern quagmire. After eight years of this insanity, in an even more insane move, the United States elects another unqualified politician, only he's able to speak clearly. Now we have North Korea, backed by China, using torpedoes to sink South Korean vessels. Furthermore, Iran will soon have nuclear weapons, and Israel is ready to attack. To the naked eye it would seem as if the world is a powder keg ready to ignite."

The Professor of Geo-Politics took another long drink from his flask. "What my research has discovered is that Positive Thinking is the only thing keeping Armageddon at bay. Of course, you need to understand the true definition of Positive Thinking, which can be defined on a variety of scales. To be precise, Positive Thinking on a mass scale such as we are experiencing is induced by four major factors. These are Sex, Drugs, Rock Music, and Television. In other words, all a layperson needs to understand about my research is that if one keeps inebriated, and obsesses oneself with the art of fornication, while listening to Mick Jagger with the telly tuned to a football match, then the world will likely continue as it is, with Armageddon always at our door, but not able to get inside."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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