Written by Skoob1999
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Thursday, 13 May 2010

image for Local Man Warns Of 'The Rapture' The 'End Of Days' And 'Armageddon'
We're All Fucked!

Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, was this morning convalescing after a terrifying evening spent watching The History Channel.

Shuttlecock, not usually easily convinced by hysterical mumbo-jumbo had to hide behind the sofa after watching a TV show about the prophesies of French drug-addict and all-round weirdo, Nostradamus.

The central theme of the TV show was the end of the world, which according to scholars will come in three phases.

During The Rapture, it seems that anybody who's any good will simply disappear. Just like that! After The Rapture, it just gets better. All the bad people - who will be the only ones left - will turn on each other in The End Of Days, which will see total chaos as people take to the streets throwing stones and hitting each other with big sticks.

This will culminate in a big fuck-off nuclear war, or some unprecedented natural disaster which will effectively lay waste to what's left of mankind, and the planet.

Apart from some lucky ones, 144,000 of whom will be airlifted to safety in a big spaceship. Why 144,000, nobody seems sure, but it is gross.

Then after that, we'll have Armageddon - the final battle between good and evil. Apparently it doesn't matter all that much who wins Armageddon, because there'll be nothing left anyway, and nobody to see it. Not even in 3D or HD, so it all seems like a bit of a waste of time really.

But Martin Shuttlecock remains shaken to the core after hearing these revelations. Ashen faced and trembling of hand, he told us:

"I'd never heard of The Rapture before. It looks like people will just vanish into thin air all over the shop. And that's just the beginning! What I really want to know is whether or not I can book my holidays, and if I'm wasting my time paying the bills? We never had all this nonsense when Gordon Brown was in power. I blame the coalition, me."

More if we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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