Australian PM Gillard Announces the 'Bonox' Housing Stimulus

Funny story written by F.U. Crusher MD

Saturday, 10 September 2011

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The Hogs In Armchairs (HIA) applauded the Bonox stimulus.

In response to a worsening outlook for the Australian housing industry, the Australian PM Julia Gillard, has proposed the Bonox stimulus to give the industry a bit of a lift.

The Hogs In Armchairs (HIA), the peak non-profit housing charity that builds from easily biodegradable materials, applauded the decision.

'Thank Mammon the PM has put more swill in the trough that we have been squealing for' said Boss Hog, long time HIA spokesperson.

International Econospruiker and Man of Mystery Mr Christopher Pinocciho Joye was delighted. 'I've been so worried that I've been writing spruiker stories constantly since confidence began to leak like a Collins Class submarine.'

During the PMs announcement of the Bonox stimulus she applauded Pinocciho Joye and HIA's efforts to assist the RSPCA by building luxurious dog boxes on the outskirts on Australian cities and chicken coops within the city centres.

Commenting on the affordability of housing for younger Australians, Ms Gillard said that the ALP finally had an innovative policy to improve the situation and a change of direction.

'It has been the policy of successive Australian governments to promote housing speculation by giving tax breaks in order to protect our society against education, manufacturing or innovation. We would never seek to disadvantage the banks, real estate agents, media or people with vast amounts of debt.'

'Rather than this unsatisfactory situation continuing, we are going to legislate to allow older Australians to eat their children and just get it over with. This is far more humane than gradually eroding their quality of life and listening to their whinging when they have no electoral power anyway as Australia fills up with self interested old farts.'

'Then we can ship in people who really know how to breed, work in low paid jobs and be grateful for opportunism and exploitation dressed up as opportunity.'

Bank CEO Ralph Ralphinstein said that his bank would sign them up for a mortgage 'even before they got down the gangway at the dock.'

Former treasurer in the Howard government Mr Peter Costello who first promoted breeding children without opportunity, merely to keep housing prices inflated, agreed entirely.

'If they won't work three jobs and can't afford a house they may as well be eaten. The problem is a lot of young people have the unrealistic expectation that they should have at least the same quality of life that the previous generation enjoyed.'

'How can the Baby Boomer generation afford that sort of largess? Someone has to pick up the bill for us when we retire early.'

Anthony Abbott, the Australian opposition leader and spokesperson for the Catholic Cardinal of Sydney has often lamented the failure of younger Australians to move to areas of employment opportunity to pay their mortgages.

'Cleaning the houses of Chinese businessmen will soon be wonderful opportunity for young Australians. It has done the Philippines economy no end of good.'

'There are boat loads of potential immigrants out there willing to take on debt so that we can keep housing prices from crashing' said The Abbott.'

'If younger Australians won't get with the mortgage serfdom program we have for them, we're just going to ship others in and tweak demand a bit. So get a mortgage, be crowded out of the cities or be eaten. It's your democratic choice' said The Abbott.

As long as oral contraceptive pill was not used and the children who might otherwise grow up to have mortgages were not aborted, eating those not willing to go into debt was acceptable to the Catholic Church said The Abbott.

'The biggest sin is for young people not to take on debt,' he remonstrated.

'Who said there was no such thing as a free lunch if you eat in the parliamentary cafe. I did while treasurer when we got the program up and running on debt' said Mr Costello.

'Have two mortgages for yourself and one for the country,' he said.

'After all we all have to be brave and not gut out of our public duties, don't we?' said Mr Costello.

'Yum yum, I like Big Australia' said Christopher Pinocchio Joye, who has a nose for fresh meat and has obviously put on a lot of length recently.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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