Cheney 'Member Of Illuminati'

Funny story written by Captain Dopey

Saturday, 17 December 2005

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US Senator Dick Cheney is the head of a secret society bent on World Domination, it was alleged yesterday. Senator Cheney, who is known within the clandestine outfit as ‘Illumined Arty' , has been a leading member of the group since his student days at Harvard, when he was a principal associate of ‘The Corporate Ones', a student group focused on ‘Global Dominion‘.
The chief aims of the society - notwithstanding their primary goal of International Supremacy - are the establishment of an ‘Intercontinental Hegemony' based on ‘Strategic Affluence'.
Senator Cheney is a well-known supporter of the sort of noninterventionist economic disciplines advocated by the group, having being a member of the right-of-center student faction ‘Shoot the Reds with Hamburgers' in his student days.
‘Strategic Affluence' has been described as a discipline ‘based on the teachings of economist Milton Friedman, the philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche and the ‘Superman' cartoon character Lex Luthor'. The philosophy was popular with leading members of numerous Right-Wing think-tanks at the turn of the last century, the incipient Nazi Party in the 1920s and Al Capone's gangster outfit in the 1930s, and is even thought to be gaining a foothold in militant Derby and Joan Clubs throughout the USA due to its older-generational appeal. Conceived of originally as ‘an antidote to indolence' and ‘a spur to achievement', the movement has also been described as a ‘one-way ticket to the crapper' by members of the Liberal Intelligentsia.
Senator Cheney has been linked with similar ‘traditionalist' movements in the past, notably ‘Parents for Fastidious Overprotection', ‘Virtuous Shining Examples for Toadying Bootlicking' and ‘The Unbalanced'. Although not primarily connected in any financial capacity, it has often been suggested - and hotly denied - that his role as ‘Currency Synchronizer' for each outfit may well represent a conflict of interest with his Governmental activities.
‘The Strategic Affluence', which espouses the importance of ‘lickspittle adoration' complemented with a hearty endorsement of ‘vacuous viewpoints', has devotees in additional private consortiums. Dr. J. Merrydown Boozer, head of the Civil Freedom Faction (Retributions and Reprogramming Division), is a supporter of Mr. Cheney and his ideals of Universal Supremacy. Formally an executive director of the Washington-based ‘Crusade for the Eradication of Understanding and Empathy‘, 'Dr. Merry' as he likes to be called says that many people in the US and indeed the rest of the world have shifted to Mr. Cheney's way of thinking: "Since the collapse of the Evil Empire that was the old Soviet Union and hence the re-establishment of a loving concord between everyone - with its spin-offs of the elimination of disease and poverty - Mr. Cheney symbolizes the cherished dreams of each and every one of us. Such a swell guy". Asked why he constantly injects himself with Morphine, Dr. Merry waved us away with an affable screech.
A spokesperson from Mr. Cheney's ‘Paranormal Healing Alliance' told us that the Senator was ‘unavailable for comment at the moment‘, but will ‘issue a statement as soon as the Voodoo Club has concluded its business'.
Mr. Cheney is an associate member of the ‘Society for Enclosing Sentences in Quotation Marks'.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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