Purgatory -- Adam and Eve, accused of committing the "Original Sin" which plunged mankind into fear, darkness, and shame, were today acquitted by a jury of their fig-leaf wearing peers. "We the jury find Adam (Doe) and Eve (Doe) innocent of the charges of original sin and misdemeanor theft of fruit" announced jury foreman Abel Malachi, to a gallery which erupted in cheering, the bleating of sheep, and the blowing of horns. The pair were presented suitable "designer" clothing and released to officials of Arizona's Arcosanti, "The closest thing we could find to a self-sustaining tropical garden," said bailiff Edward Teller.
Naturalists had been pressing God "for milillenium" to give the pair a jury trial, instead of holding them over to the "End Times" in indefinite incarceration not unlike that served up at Guantanamo. "If they felt ashamed after realizing they were naked, well, who created shame and guilt to begin with?" asked the scantily appareled Tony Fuji. "It was high time they got a fair trial, and I'm not just blowing smoke up your fig leaf."
Acting on behalf of God, prosecutor Lance Ito repeatedly demanded of Adam, "Who told you you were naked," This query was objected to each time, and the objection repeatedly sustained, as "hearsay." According to one juror, "If God is as He claims to be, omnipresent, then he should have known who told "the kids" they were naked, in which case it was a rhetorical question. If he had to ask Adam, then he's relying on hearsay, which anyone who watches television ought to know is inadmissable in a court of law."
Adam and Eve's defense rested on attorney F. Lee Shapiro's repeated argument that "Prior to eating of the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil," how could they [Adam and Eve] have possibly known that failure to obey God's command was something that would make them feel shame, guilt, and fear the Almighty?" These kids were like any others, you can tell them "On the day you run into the street you shall Surely Get Run Over!" and five minutes later they're back playing in the street again!" I mean, I could understand giving them a good spanking, but condemning mankind for all eternity? Good grief!"
Unlike his first "intervention" with God, this time Adam fully acknowledged eating the apple, and didn't attempt to pin blame on Eve, or deflect blame toward's God's provision of Eve for his "comfort and pleasure." Said Adam, "I admit it. It was round, it was red, kinda like an oversized cherry, I was awfully hungry, and I thought 'What the heck!' It's not like I could go to the Carl's Jr. driveup in those days, for a Ranch Chicken sandwich."
The defense successfuly prevented the prosecution from entering into evidence stained fig leaves and other material which suggested that following the serpents beguiling of Eve, she lured Adam into having carnal knowledge of her, which was the REAL reason for his becoming "frightfully" fearful of God." Whether or not Eve was, in the eyes of the law, God's 13 year old daughter was ruled irrelevant, as no laws prohibiting consensual sex between minors existed at that time, in either the Old OR New Testaments.
The unrelenting Shapiro, wearing Vuarnets, pounded and pounded on the bar as God's presence shrouded the witness stand in blinding light, demanding to know why God had "Set the kids up to fail and in the process condement all of mankind!" "They didn't even know what sin was BEFORE they ate the apple, now did they? he demanded! "They didn't know what disobedience was, did they?" he bellowed over numerous objections by Moses, [all overrruled] who accused Shapiro of badgering the witness."
"I'm not badgering the witness proclaimed Shapiro. Anyone who's ever had a run-in with a badger knows it will chew you up and spit you out alive! It's just another one of God's vindictive, mean-spirited lawyers, I mean, creatures!"
According to jury members interviewed, it all boiled down to informed consent. Said Kristine O'hare, "You buy a lawnmower today, it's got a sticker that says don't put your hands or feet beneath the deck. It's got a little picture of fingers getting amputated. Well, God didn't post any warning labels on the apple tree. The kids, well, they were just being kids.
Acquiesing to the verdict, an ever kind and forgiving God issued a press release acknowledging that his enduring punishment of all mankind for Adam and Eve's "fall" constituted "cruel and unusual punishment, as outlawed by the Geneva convention. God indicated he would lift "the curse" within 2 months. The lifiting implies serpents (snakes) will soon regain the ability to walk upright and speak, monthly "periods" for women and excessive pain during childbirth would cease, and the flaming sentinals guarding the entrance to Max Yaeger's farm would be recalled."
According to God, "Crosby Stills & Nash had it right. We've ALL got to get back to the garden, and get together for a pleasant walk in the cool of the evening. I'm sorry it took Me so long to realize that. The disobedience, sin, and guilt thing might have helped mankind make it through the Dark Ages, but what Paul McCartney said a few years is true, "All we need is Love." I imagine things are going to be a lot better between me and my creation under anew doctrine of "Original Innocence." And by the way, I don't talk to George Bush. Ever.
