Belgian Giant Denied a bigger bed

Funny story written by IainB

Sunday, 13 February 2011

image for Belgian Giant Denied a bigger bed
They're just not big enough for the Big Cheese

Hans Leerdammer was arrested two years ago this month, and has a further four years and six months to run on his sentence. He has asked the Belgian prison service for a larger cell, but they refused, forcing him to go to the courts.

The reason Leerdammer is requiring a larger cell is because he is eight feet nine inches tall, the largest person ever to be arrested in Europe.

"It is inhumane," said Leerdammer's solicitor, Gruber Dans. "Belgian cells are designed for people with a maximum height of two metres [six feet six inches]. Each cell is a two metre cube meaning that my client cannot stand or lie down flat in his cell."

The prison beds are not long enough, and the ceiling is not high enough, which is leaving Leerdammer, whose nickname is the Big Cheese, feeling ever day of his two year sentence.

"Already my client has been to the prison hospital twice complaining of a pain in the neck, and they said he is a pain the arse! If we cannot get any joy in the national courts of Belgium, we will be going to the international courts. Fortunately, these are also in Belgium."

The Belgian prison authority understand Leerdammer's plight. "We understands Leerdammer's plights," said Jorge Harrissun, spokesperson for the Belgian prison authority. "There is littles we cans do though. Alls Belgian cells are identicals cubes. We are a very efficients peoples that ways. Theres is simply not a cells we can sends him to."

Although they understand his plight, they are not sympathetic towards it.

"He does not have ours sympathies," said Harrissun. "Ifs he cannot do the times, he shoulds not haves done the crimes. Whatevers the reasons he cannot do the times for."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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