Animal Rights Groups Upset Over 'Cool' Catnip

Funny story written by anthonyrosania

Sunday, 3 October 2010

image for Animal Rights Groups Upset Over 'Cool' Catnip
Dude, I couldn't get out of this chair if the f--king thing was on fire. Who's ordering pizza?

"Behold the Super Custom Blend," reads the first line of the company's website. But, instead of it being the lead sentence for Snoop Dogg's Fansite, it is for a e-tailer of an odd product: The World's Strongest Catnip.

And animal rights groups are up in arms.

"This is a disgusting display, an attempt to extend the popular drug culture into the housepet community, and it is barbaric," said a source from the certain animal rights group. "This is tantamount to animal-abuse, and should be prosecuted.

"Our cat treat is a secret blend of the most powerful organic catnip strains in the world," says Cool Catnip's Founder. "If catnip was the Bible, this is the Book of Revelations."

'Cool' catnip is reportedly a super potent combination of catnips, which contains up to 5 times the nepetalactone content as ordinary store bought catnip. "This is the catnip your cat's mother warned it about," the website says.

Catnip supporters, and even non-pet owners enjoy watching a cat when he's high, and the cats who use the product defend their rights

"Please bear in mind that catnip this good is ONLY intended for good kitties," said Cosmo, a black-and-white housecat who has clearly indulged quite a bit. "If your pet has been guilty of even the slightest behavioral infraction in recent history, it arguably does not deserve this potent and fantastic."

What you need to understand is that beneath your cats happy go lucky exterior and occasional loving meow," continued Cosmo, while scarfing down bag after bag of Friskies Tartar Control Cat Treats. "Beyond its quiet, loyal, and subtle demeanor, your cat is seeking something; your cat has a dream. A dream that has danced in its head since it was just a baby kitten; it wants, to just once, experience what rappers have waxed nostalgic about: the Cool."

"This is a secret dream that all cats share, one that sadly too often goes unfulfilled, mostly because cats do not know how to use a computer," continued Cosmo, glassy-eyed.
"And when the catnip has been ordered on their behalf, and when it is delivered at the very house in which they live, and when that telltale package is opened, kitty eyes will well with tears as once fuzzy fantasies become clear and feline emotions will run rampant as many animals are simply overcome with joy. Some cats are even left completely speechless."

What The F--k is Nepetalactone?

How the hell should I know, Connie?

Nepetalactone is the THC of the kitty cat world. Cats have very advanced pheromone receptors, so they need not smoke catnip; they only have to smell it. Mother Nature works in mysterious ways, and while the exact science behind how catnip affects your little friend's brain is unknown, it is almost as if somebody out there knew that the physical body structure of a cat would make this particular animal naturally bad at rolling joints. Nepetalactone is actually designed to affect the cat through its scent glands. 'Sniff, sniff, I'm baked. End of story.'

Cat owners remind short-sighted opposers of the cat-crack that catnip is perfectly legal, and a far better way to expand kitty's consciousness.

"Fortunately for your furry friends, they will face no legal consequences for enjoying this," reminds the product's website. "Unlike Catnip's human fun plant counterpart, it is totally legal for your cat to get blasted off some high end Dank."

"This is extremely convenient for the cat owner, because if you have ever tried to pass your cat a bong, believe me, they spill it every time."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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