Saddam Hussein Never Existed

Funny story written by Mark

Monday, 7 July 2003


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Comical Ali - Genius

In an interview with TheSpoof, Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf has revealed some shocking information that has sent shockwaves throughout the world. If the infamous "Comical Ali" is to believed, Saddam Hussein, the alleged dictator, was never born, has never lived and never did died in, or around Iraq.

Suspicions were aroused earlier this year after the fall of the evil dictator's country to coalition forces. To much surprise and dismay, it appeared that Saddam and his two sons Qusay and Uday had left Iraq and his government had disbanded to avoid their prosecution and expected death. However, this was never the case.

The fabrication of Mr. Hussein was intended as a two-fingered salute to the western world and it was Comical Ali who first proposed the idea. The plan was this: they (Comical Ali and other high up Iraqis), would create a man.

An obnoxious man. A dictatorial and despotic man. A cruel sadistic tyrant. A man, who was quite clearly unbalanced, insane and quite, quite mad. They would then parade this man to the western world, to demonstrate his many qualities as a poor leader. They even trained sixty men to actually be Saddam Hussein, and created a whole family for him. With some taunting, teasing and general warmongering, Iraq would then involve the west in a hostile conflict with this invisible man and his pretend regime, wasting their time, money and effort over quite literally nothing.

There was some discussion and it was decided that Iraq would back-off with Gulf War I because it was highly likely they would lose the war with no real ?egg-on-your-face' situation for the westerners to be left with.

Just under three years later, Comical Ali put his brain into gear and thought up a new plan. He sent out five Iraq secret service operatives, disguised as students, two to the US, one to Spain, one to Germany and the remaining two to Britain, where they would attempt to release falsified information to the governments of those countries, detailing information about the vast hoards of so-called ?illegal weapons of mass destruction'.

To further sex-up the heated situation, in the mid-to-late-90s, Iraq constantly tread on the toes of the UN weapons inspectors, implying they were definitely hiding something even though they weren't. In 1998 Iraq expelled the UN weapons inspectors from their country, sending the US government into a complete frenzy.

Gulf War I was unfinished business, but the then US President Bill Clinton was more interested with ?training' interns than affairs with Iraq and Saddam Hussein, so very little was done publicly about the whole situation.

Operation Desert Fox was reported as being successful, but behind the scenes, many US officials were getting twitchy about the situation at hand and there was an ever-increasing dossier on information pertaining to WMD in Iraq from the Iraqi secret service operatives.

It was George Bush II who was really concerned with getting back at the Iraqis and finishing the job his father started in 1991. In doing so, he played right into the hands of the people behind Saddam Hussein. This was the ?egg-on-face' situation that they had prayed to their vengeful god for day and night.

In 2002, George W addressed world leaders at a UN session and Tony Blair released his dossier on Iraq's weapons. A lot of pressure was being applied to Iraq over the whole WMD issue, much to the delight of Comical Ali and his good friend Tariq Aziz. The UN and EU were both getting in a tizzy and it was quite clear that if Iraq didn't allow the UN weapons inspectors freely back into the country, war would be launched.

For a bit of pre-prank fun, the people behind Saddam decided they would allow the inspectors in one last time, knowing full well they would find nothing. At the same time, the disguised operatives were busy, frantically pushing falsified information about Iraq's weapons capabilities to the British and US government, having given up on Germany and Spain because they could only speak English and were having great difficulty getting by in everyday life.

Annoyed that the weapons inspectors weren't actually finding anything, George Bush planted some evidence that would suggest Iraq did possess some weapons that they shouldn't and that this was proof they would definitely therefore have a full-on WMD programme going on underground and hidden away in true fantasy world style, worthy of the insane dictator.

It was decided, by the people behind Saddam, to bribe the media giants in the western world to make them report more on whether the actions against Iraq were just, rather than concentrating on the war and ousting of the evil ?man' Saddam Hussein. The journalism brought about by the bribes was award-winning, and couldn't have been planned better, even though it was planned.

War was launched on 20th March 2003. The coalition forces believed they were fighting an organised regime, armed to the back-teeth with WMDs and top-quality Russian hardware. Instead, they were fighting sporadic Iraqi loyalists, armed with dilapidated tanks and guns, who had also been taken in by the fabricated Saddam.

After 9th April 2003, US officials were becoming increasingly concerned that there were no reported sightings of Saddam Hussein, or any of his family members. They seemed to have vanished completely from the surface of the Earth. This is very far from the truth because they had never visited the Earth. Over many, many years, the life of Saddam Hussein had left a lasting mark on Iraq, the palatial palaces, stockpiled guns, presents to people "with love from Saddam", kissed babies, old girlfriends, and illegitimate children.

But it was all just the dream of one ?funny' man, Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf. And now, the war is over, the dust has settled and the cat's out of the bag.

"The joke's on you!" proclaims Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf, "The joke's on you my friends."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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