Written by Harry Porter

Monday, 17 January 2005

image for US Vows to Win Back Oldest Mom Title
Glamorous grans are packing the dance floor as mating hits new levels of maturity.

Not to be outdone, George W. Bush has vowed to move heaven and earth to give the United States back its title of having the oldest woman ever to give birth.

The Guinness World Record has now been wrenched from Arceli Keh of California who gave birth in 1996 at the age of 63.

Romanian floosie Adriana Iliescu has topped that by an astonishing three years by becoming a mom at 66 to daughter Eliza Maria.

But now the race is on to bring the mature mothering title back home.

"While we sendify our heartfelt congratulationaries to both the mother and her newborn child girl in Rouminiary," said President Bush, "it must be rememberfied that this was a case of superficial insemination, involving doctors with test tubes and not a real daddy.

"We've got a hell of a lot of glamorous grannies out there - all the way from Canada in the south to California out east.

"I know across all our States, and there are a lot of them, America's manhood is aching to rise up and be united in doing what's required to give us back the title.

"We don't need any scientists - we can do it the American way!"

And, like the President's words, that manhood is certainly stirring.

Nightclubs are organizing ‘Grab a granny'nights, hits on ‘mature' websites have rocketed with Viagra-like ascendancy, beauty parlours are being swamped by demands for makeovers and liver spot camouflage, and Jackie Stallone has become the standard bearer for those sizzling 70-somethings ready to do their bit for their country.

Affordable fertility treatment also means being post-menopause doesn't rule you out of the race. So, with cash, that all important seed could still find a purchase, tentative though it might be.

Former Cold War rival Russia, now a fertility foe, has already stepped into a major controversy, claiming it had a 94-year-old woman in Moscow who was nearly full term.

However, the reluctance of scientists to allow an independent examination has fuelled speculation that this Kremlin cutie has been swallowing aging steroids in a pathetic, desperate bid to bring some pride back to this withered expanse of Europe.

The United Kingdom has always been a big player in the fecundity stakes and has produced some notable results in odds-against motherhood - a rare Mongolian camel, the lesser-spotted marsh grebe and Cherie Blair.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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