John Kerry Captures Osama Bin Laden in Pakistan

Written by Select Distinct

Saturday, 11 September 2004

image for John Kerry Captures Osama Bin Laden in Pakistan
Kerry Returns Triumphant

ISLAMABAD. In a mighty strike to the core of infamous terror group Al-Qaeda, Democratic Presidential candidate Sen. John Kerry , assisted by a small privately contracted army of expert fighters and strategists, captured terrorist leader Osama bin Laden today. Kerry and his compact fighting force boarded a private jet after he was leaked classified information in a personal communication with Pentagon authorities. Though reports are unconfirmed it seems likely that intelligence officials acted on their conscience after Bush refused several times to respond to clear intelligence, responding only with intimidation tactics, which in the end were unsuccesful. It seems likely that the unreponsiveness of the commander-in-chief led still unnamed authorities to resort to illegally comissioning Senator Kerry to handle the job.

"I am proud to have done this service to America and the world," said Sen. John Kerry in a live press release, "My troops were courageous, and I'm proud to say the only people we were forced to kill were a few sleeping guards outside [Bin Laden's] canvas tent. Now the world can sleep more soundly and feel safer." He then added, "But there is more to security than catching a major terrorist. Other bin Ladens will appear. There will be evil acts of terror in the world as long as the United States and its allies continue to exercise hurtful and one-sided policies upon the rest of the world. We must be less greedy, consume in more effective ways, and seek to build proactive and mutually beneficial relationships with impoverished nations. We must offer the people of the Arab world an alternative to the mock-leadership of terrorist leaders. My fellow Americans, I ask you to vote your conscience in this election. The future of America, your future, and future of the world may depend on it."

John Kerry's favorability is up to 89% while Bush's ratings have dropped down to 5% according to the latest Wall Street Journal/Zogby International poll.

It is rumored that the whereabouts of Bin Laden were well-known in intelligence circles for weeks but that action had been withheld because President Bush had been waiting for a politically more strategic time to strike. According to the rumors an anonymous Pentagon source said, "The decision was a matter of conscience. I just couldn't sit by and watch this blue-blood president who has never been to war make a mockery of national security yet again."

Several major motion picture companies are currently vying for film rights for an action movie adaptation of the story.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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