Chicago, Il./ Financial Times - Al Gore will soon be known as THE WORLD'S RICHEST FORMER VICE PRESIDENT, but he is more concerned that his frozen sperm is being threatened by "Global Warming" and is not protected by an FDIC policy covering most other bank deposits.
Thanks to his backing of Global Warming scams, and his clever positioning in firms staffed with other Democratic Liberals, many from Chicago, he is poised to reap untold riches from pending Cap & Trade Revenue; the money will soon be rolling in to the tune of hundreds of BILLIONS.
Helping him along is the current Administration pumped up with former Chicago politicians who are busy feathering their nests for the end of the one term presidency of "Bernie" Obama the Hedge Fund Genius who will have accomplished his goal of self aggrandizement ensuring endless wealth years before he leaves office in 2012.
Despite knowing that windfall profits are all but assured, Gore continues to harp on Global Warming Issues.
Today Gore issued a doomsday scenario in which he said all sperm bank donors' deposits, currently not subject to FDIC protection, are in danger of melting before they could be redeemed and invested in future self cloning, a procedure he claimed was "Hedging Your Democratic Heritage."
Part of the problem, he said, was a mandate from an unknown Energy Czar to turn down the AC in most work places, other than the White House, and a direct mandate to turn down the temperature in the freezer lockers of Sperm Banks and inner city Mortuaries.
Republicans claim this is just another example of the administration pushing legalized abortions, while even Liberal "Blue Dress" Dems are concerned that their sperm will die off before they have a chance to clone themselves, thereby insuring supremacy in the halls of congress for the foreseeable future.
Liberal forces led by Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi are said to be working on the Sperm Protection Bill in Congress. Banking Rep Barney Frank is said to be "sitting on an earmark" to a current funding bill for Pelosi's airfare costs, which will ensure that any deposit with a sperm count of over 250,000 will be covered in the event of a "melt down".
A sperm bank teller, who could not be identified since she was not cleared to discuss premature ejaculation by congressional depositors, said the Frank bill wouldn't be worth the paper it was printed on.
"These jerk offs," she said candidly, " couldn't raise a sperm count of 7, and that includes some of those Hollywood hunks Michelle has been entertaining on Thursday 3-Some Date Nights she's demanded from the Prez!"
Tipper Gore said Al's sperm was actually safe in a "hedge fund" account somewhere in Iceland and vouchd for by " some guy named Bernie...."
She went on to say she really wasn't concerned about the Sperm Issue...
"Geez, "she said whistfully," do you really think I'd want to fuck around with Al twice in my lifetime....once was more than enough, thank you!"