Nigel Beach, Jamaica/ National Geographic Whale News - In a natural disaster not seen since the last Lemming Free Fall, Global Warming Glob Al Gore was found beached and disorientated on Nigel's 7 mile silver sand beach.
Complicating the matter, and threatening this island's resort and tourist economy, was the fact Gore was not alone, as a Pod of his Followers also appeared to wash up following their Leader.
Gore, who now approximates 425 American pounds, or 30.36 stones in weight, was found well up the high tide line entangled in tuna fish nets, kelp, used condoms and a few 6 pack plastic carton tabs. His Carbon Carcass Print exceeded the national average by over 25 stone.
Due to his weight, he was in danger of suffocating, and his bloated white skin was also becoming blotched with the effects of extreme UV rays giving him the appearance of a giant red helium balloon, or the Flak Blimp he played in the remake of "The Blue Max" detailed in an earlier Spoof Report.
Professor Helmut Oberstfahrtheimer, leading bloated whale expert, arrived from Woods Hole Oceanographic Institute in Massachusetts to assess the situation and attempt to direct rescue operations.
The professor said the situation was grim and immediately organized vacationers into a bucket brigade pouring sea water over the parched hulk, and also attempted reverse polarization on Gore's pea sized brain in order to restore his magnetic compass, which had obviously gone awry.
Al's wife, Tubber, also arrived and waddled to his side after being notified by the local HAZMAT brigade. " I told him he was going to go off course and lose himself in this Global Warming Shit, " she sobbed hysterically. "That and his compulsive eating which was a stress disorder brought on by his massive insecurity!"
Tubber also added that Gore was under a lot of pressure as his Global Warming Theories were under attack at this week's G20 Summit, and if his irrational theories were not adopted, a number of high ranking Democrats that had invested in Carbon Credit Monitoring, and Al's All Green Hedge Fund, would never forgive him. "He was really afraid they were going to investigate him and he's have to give that Nobel Prize Thingy back, " Tubber whined.
As things continued to look grim, with Gore's demise almost assured, a steel band appeared and was able to partially drown out the approaching hum of two D-8 Bulldozers , 4 backhoes and a ton of lye.
A church spokesman said there would be no sanctioned funeral services as political suicide would not be recognized by the Obama Administration, and that Arlington National Cemetery was permanently closed due to low income housing construction on the site funded by a Nancy Pelosi Earmark.