The dismal economy is finally hitting Hollywood. Now that the Dow Jones Industrial Average has fallen lower than Governor Blagojevich's popularity quotient, famous-but-older doyennes of Tinseltown are forced to forego their monthly injections of Botox.
This has created enormous personal and professional problems for star-actresses such as Demi Moore, Susan Sarandon, Goldie Hawn, and Renè Russo. According to shop owners in Beverly Hills, this would not be a major problem if these women just stayed behind closed drapes in their mansions. Unfortunately, they have taken to roaming Californian communities in order to pawn treasured awards, mementos, and gifts from former lovers so that they can maintain their lavish life-styles.
The trouble begins as soon as they exit their hybrids. These actresses' collective skin and subcutaneous tissue that once had been held taut and unwrinkled against their bones are now unleashed in waves down past their abdomens into the nether regions of their lower extremities. The slightest shift of their feet from their Priuses to the sidewalk will inundate passers-by and parked vehicles with a tsunami of old, unbridled flesh.
Joan Rivers, the comedic has-been and Red-Carpet vigilante, is personally responsible for the death of six Chinese tourists on Rodeo Drive. The cause of their deaths was suffocation-by-flesh as it wrapped around them while she was trying to cross the street. The flesh, which was once located in her jowls, had now, due to the lack of a weekly Botox pick-me-up, become a weapon of mayhem as it roamed unchecked around her ankles whenever she moved.
The Beverly Hills Police are trying to figure out how to apprehend her without causing any personal injuries to their officers from the wayward cutaneous tissue. Meanwhile, there is a rumor that the United Nations Security Council is considering hoisting her away from the United States and dropping her torso in order to engulf the Somali pirates and, at least, end that threat once and for all.
However, the Illinois Legislature wants to use that gambit to rid itself of its Governor.
