Written by Dan Bristol

Thursday, 10 June 2004

image for Ming the Merciless unveils "diabolical" plan to conquer Earth
Emperor Ming of Mongo unveils his "diabolical" ice-cream headache plot to take over the Earth

Mongo - The world was briefly terrified today in the aftermath of a newsflash announcement from none other than Emperor Ming of Mongo, the sinister tyrant of the 1930's serial "Flash Gordon", who demanded that Earth's rulers abdicate to him or face the direst of consequences. However, that terror slowly devolved into tittering and laughter when it became apparent that Ming's worst threats against humanity were small potatoes in the post 9/11 world.

Appearing on TV sets all over the world at approximately 2 PM, Ming the Merciless interrupted regular broadcasting, announcing that, "Unless total control of the Earth is handed over to me at exactly 4 PM, my Mongo Shock Troops will descend upon your puny planet, forcing all of you to eat chocolate ice cream very fast so that you will all get a very nasssty headache!" The Emperor of Mongo then followed this with several assertions of, "No, really! I mean it! Come on guys!" However, by that time, most of humanity was rolling on the floor laughing.

"Ming has really lost his edge," said Darthon the Cruel, leader of Mongo's Secret Spy Corps. "I mean, there he was, threatening to force feed everyone ice cream! And that big ray gun he was standing next to? That was His Royal Highness' newest weapon, the Give Everyone a Headache Ray. I mean, come on! How does he expect to scare earthlings any more? After Al Qaeda and Michael Jackson, he's pretty much of a sissy! The only reason I still hang around is for the great dental!"

According to courtiers of the Mongo Royal Entourage, Emperor Ming's whimsical take on mass destruction is totally lost on the post 9/11 world, where earth people wake up every day fully expecting to find a suicide bomber lodged in their colon.

However, that doesn't seem to have stopped the interstellar despot, who reportedly spent most of last week working on his sinister new "Hamster Frightening Machine."

Ming apparently suffered a nervous breakdown shortly after his televised announcement when Disney executives, wiping tears of laughter from their eyes, offered him a job making children laugh at one of their theme parks.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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