Although derided by the world, Zimbabwe has been officially recognised as a "moral beacon" for world dictatorial politics, according to a United Nations report issued today.
The Dictators and Despots Division (DDD) of the United Nations has decided to adopt Zimbabwe as its role model for democratic and repressive political rights. The main members of the DDD - Sudan, North Korea, Burma, China, Saudi Arabia, Libya and Equatorial Guinea - often lauded as the world's most fabuolous dictatorships, are utilising the Zimbabwean political model as a method of moving towards greater political democracy.
General Diss Array, self-appointed president of Burma, and Brigadier Chi Ken Chowmane, President of China co-hosted the announcement at a special press reception to which no press were invited, held in the Zimbabwean capital Harare earlier today.
General Array said: "The members of the DDD are often criticised by the free Western press - and I don't just mean the capitalist Metro - for not allowing our population a say in how we run our countries. They continue to give the impression that we rule by the rod and gun, with coffin-dodging generals enjoying a luxurious lifestyle while our populations suffer.
"This could not be further from the truth.
"OK, I admit we might beat our people a little at times, and yes, they can't vote, we restrict the internet, they can't listen to the BBC World Service, there's not enough food, they live in abject poverty and their life expectancy is half of the average European, but by an large they enjoy a good lifestyle and are happy with their lot. Ask anyone in Burma who we have threatened to burn alive if they tell you otherwise.
"The idea of organising an election, declaring it illegal because the opposition wins and then a week before the re-runs murdering the opposition and threatening and beating anyone who might vote for them really appeals to us.
"At least we are going to be able to offer the people the choice as to whether they are beaten and murdered or not. They have never had this wonderful democratic choice before."