Osama bin Laden narrowly eluded capture by an elite Special Forces unit led by Wile E. Coyote, according to an exclusive TV Guide story by investigative reporter Clark Kent.
Agent Coyote used an Acme jetpack to catch up to the speedy bin Laden on a rock-strewn dirt road in Afghanistan, but the mission was aborted when the relentless Coyote accidentally flattened himself with a 20-ton anvil meant to crush the elusive terrorist.
A source at the Pentagon confirmed that Mr. Coyote is one of several animated agents who have volunteered to help fight for truth, justice and the American way.
Acting on sensitive intelligence developed by Beavis and Butt-head, U.S. ground forces led by Bugs Bunny and Speed Racer penetrated a suspected Al-Qaeda compound with air support from Woody Woodpecker and Snoopy (aka the Red Baron). Popeye reportedly punched one terrorist in the face so hard that his neck stretched approximately 20 feet before his head snapped and wobbled back into place.
To help defuse tensions in the strife-torn Middle East, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld reportedly is grooming a covert unit led by Scooby-Doo, Mr. Magoo and Winnie the Pooh.
"America's arsenal of superheroes is unmatched by any nation in the world," said Rumsfeld, noting that Superman, Wonder Woman and Fat Albert stand ready for deployment to trouble spots around the globe. Rumsfeld also announced the creation of a new Internet surveillance task force headed by Mighty Mouse.
Rumsfeld said the cartoon fighters will help make the war on terror more popular among the nation's children. However, he again deflected questions about alleged financial wrongdoing by the defense contractor, Acme.
President Bush committed his full support to the cartoon initiative after a White House strategy session with Batman and Tweety Bird. The president then retreated to the Oval Office to huddle with Homer Simpson, Yogi Bear and Bullwinkle for advice on communicating his message to the American people.