A San Francisco, California cardiologist is suing the major company supplying fortune cookies to 80% of the U.S. Chinese restaurants.
Wah Wah Hong Ding Fat of San Francisco has been taken to court by Dr. Chirpo V. Prepuce for "using philosophical or general comments in the cookies instead of real fortunes, predictions of the future, in violation of the 'Trust Diners Put In The End Of The Meal Surprise Act' in California, voted in unanimously in 2002.
"I've had it!" Said Prepuce. "The whole thing has gone on forever, it seems. Why did so many have to suffer? Imagine all the Tums and Rolaids consumed at the disgust of philosophy posing as fortune!?"
The suit is for $25,000,000 in damages and $10,000,000 in punitive damages, the highest total ever for a fortune cookie suit, of which there had previously been three, with no judgment in any.
The suit contends that Wah Wah, established by Sin Hu Op Leung in 1925 near San Franciscio's wharf, was for many years providing valid fortunes, but, then, in the 1960s just slacked off. Prepuce asks why did Wah Wah suddenly and intentionally provide fortunes that were not fortunes at all and, therefore, of no value. "Instead of putting in some effort to surprise and reward the customer as a thank you at the end of his or her Chinese meal with a peek into the future, Wah WaH started to ignore its base constituency."
Many diners left Chinese restaurants in droves(the lean, "No Egg Roll Years")cursing about the fortune cookies as a flagrant and abusive let down. "The customer expects and demands a real a fortune," claims Dr.Prepuce "and, anything less than that is a meal breaker, much like a deal breaker."
Some customers were sick to their stomachs after leaving Chinese restaurants and actually vomited in disappointment, especially, when a child was there for the first chance to eat some "Chinks" and get a meal-ending surprise, as one would find in a 'Crack 'em Jackie' box of caramelized popcorn and peanuts.
Wah Wah's head writer Montie Confucius Badabing, of Chinese-Italian ancestry or vice-versa, claimed, "Da suit ees flivorous an we in Chinatown S.F. wiw not take, anymore. I have conctacts wit a made guy Salvatore 'Chungi' Maretti, who ees piss at suit. He good wit baseball bat." Mr. Maretti has advised Badabing to be quiet during the suit and to watch who may be sleeping soon with the fishes, but Badabing was not impressed, the young Chinese-Italian upstart that he is. For one thing, he did not know the expression, so it was 'lost' on him.
Dr. Prepuce cited that fortunes predicted over the past 10-15 years and those actually received today are "highly diappointing" in that they were/are not fortunes at all, but were/are "highy-repetitive philosophical crap, were spelled atrociously, and had useless Chinese vocabulary and lottery numbers irrelevant to the common need of the typical diner's world." Prepuce gave us some examples of these "non" fortunes:
- You are a dishonest man. Who teach you this? Bush clan?
- Your pushiness makes you tough person at toilet or urinal.
- Life sometimes unfair, like when wife bang your best fliend.
- Your spouse may be spending much on credit card nighties.
- Cocaine can ruin one's nasal passage. Must snort quickly.
- Watch for Chinee gangs. Can shoot up place and ruin meal.
- Sorry, ran out of sparerib on buffet. Come next time.
Instead Dr. Prepuce recalls the days of real fortunes, such as:
- You will win a hugest lottery worth $1,000.
- You are headed for a big demolition at work.
- Tip must be good or we have sexy with wife many time!
- Everybody will be at your funelal to celeblate.
- You will find a dlopped Well Fargo bag containing $100,000.
- Your kids will all become famous medical doctor. Four in one!
- You will save the President's life and become World famous for being stupid.
- You will be the head newcaster for CBA's Evening New... Weather part! Ha! Ha! Ha!
In an attempt to settle out of court, and for Mr. Badabing to avoid bad publicity, the latter's mouthpiece, Vinnie Maretti, has offered Dr. Prepuce an out of court sweetheart of a deal. Either, the doctor can take $100,000 now or take his chances with a jury. Asked what that meant, Mr. Maretti said, "Ya know dem cable cars can really get away...like wiiiild! Hate ta be in da way! Can sometimes strike a poyson on da street in rush hour. Catch my drift?!!!"
Mr. Prepuce had threatened to press criminal charges from what he calls a threat from the Badabing-Maretti side, but a heart-to-heart discussion with attorney Maretti over a friendly glass of Ruffino has calmed down the good doctor's mind.
It appears then that the suit will be settled out of court and Wah Wah Hong Ding Fat Company will actually start printing fortunes, again!!! The first one of these says, 'If you a docta and you sue us, your cojones will suddenry rot and drop off! Ha! Ha! Ha!'
(Reported by Xiang Biong "Mao" Xiung Lei-Lei Zang, 'San Francisco Chinese Restaurant and Hot Bar News, May, 2008)
